Earning Back Trust Critical After Straying

“It was only a kiss, but it stirred so much passion, I felt my whole body melt,” confesses Amy, 33, a business consultant who has been married for seven years and is the mother of 5-month-old Katie. “Then reality hit me: This is not my husband Brian; this is Jed, my boss and mentor, and we are about to commit adultery. I can’t do this.”

“I was sick with guilt,” she continues, recalling the recent overnight business trip she had taken with Jed. “All I could think about was my husband, waiting trustingly at home. How could I be so stupid?” But the truth is, since their daughter was born, Amy and Brian’s marriage has been anything but perfect.

Ironically, when they first met, Amy was convinced that Brian was the one who couldn’t be trusted. “He seemed like the type who would never settle down,” she recalls. But Brian pursued her, proved he was indeed a one-woman guy and, after three years, they married.

“I never knew my life could be so exciting,” Amy exclaims. “Brian taught me how to scuba dive, his passion, and every year we would take a trip to the Caribbean. ” The only dark cloud in their life was their inability to agree on whether and when to have children.

“After seven years of marriage, I was yearning for a baby,” says Amy.

Though she knew Brian was afraid a child would ruin their “perfect” life, Amy was desperate for a baby and she finally gave her husband an ultimatum: He had to agree to have a child or she was going to leave him. “Brian looked stricken, but he agreed - as long as I promised to do all the child care.”

Amy had no idea what she was bargaining for. At first Katie was darling and Brian was smitten. But she became colicky and, after six weeks of no sleep, Amy was so tired every part of her body ached. Brian seemed oblivious.

“And when I complained, he said, ‘I know darling, but we agreed,’ then strode out the door to work.”

Needless to say, Amy’s flooded with guilt and remorse about her relationship with Jed. “I told Brian everything, but he won’t forgive me,” she reports. “I’ve managed to convince him to come for counseling, but how can I convince him to trust me again? How can I make him understand that I love him and want to be with him and only him?”

Brian, 40, a handsome man who owns his own plumbing supply business, doesn’t think that will be possible. “I feel so sad, mostly for my daughter,” he says. “I know what it’s like to grow up in the wake of divorce. But the irony is that I was the one who had to reassure Amy that she could trust me. She thought I was just a beach bum.”

Whom can you trust?

“Amy and Brian are suffering, and the first order of business must be crisis intervention to help them avoid doing something they’d later regret,” says Randy Jaffee, a family therapist.

“Brian is understandably furious and deeply hurt but, at the same time, he must recognize that his wife acted with great courage and integrity when she told him her feelings.

“Amy may have created this crisis as a way of telling Brian that she needed more of his closeness and support,” says Jaffee.

Still, the question of earning back trust is critical when a partner strays, and many people underestimate the amount of time it takes to restore it. Marital experts estimate it can take at least a year - and sometimes much longer - before the victim of broken trust can forgive.

The following steps are critical:

End the affair. This means no contact - phone calls, letters or in person - with your ex-lover.

Ask the partner you’ve hurt what you can do to prove how much love you have for him. What behaviors can you change to prove it?

Be patient and willing to listen and respond to your partner’s pain - over and over again if necessary. Hear his or her rage, and don’t expect it to blow over quickly.

Accept responsibility for what you’ve done. Let your partner see that you are seriously confronting issues that led you to be unfaithful. Though you will undoubtedly be loath to admit what you are ashamed of or seriously regret - fearing that it will make you unlovable - in fact, the opposite is true. When you reveal yourself to your partner, you increase intimacy.

At the same time, a wounded partner must acknowledge the behavior changes his or her spouse is trying to make. Be loving, and work hard to create an environment at home that fosters trust.