Teach Children To Speak Up

Dear Miss Manners: It seems as though 7- and 8-year-olds are invisible to cashiers and other adults.

When one of my children wants to buy something and wants very badly to do it independently, he or she will wait patiently in line, finally get up to the counter, only to have the adult behind step up and place an order or make a purchase with complete disregard for my child.

This always results in a hurt and tearful child returning to me (seated nearby, watching the sequence of events) and asking, “Why did they do that?”

It is difficult to explain such bad manners to a child, although I honestly believe that many adults just don’t pay attention. I could, of course, stand in line with my child, but the whole thing comes up because of a strong need for independence.

Gentle Reader: It is even more difficult to teach a child to defend himself from rudeness without being rude. Perhaps that is why so many adults push aside those who are smaller than they are: They grew up thinking that the choice is to push ahead or be pushed aside.

You should be teaching your children to say politely, “Excuse me, but I believe I’m next in line.” They will be shy at first, but speaking up for oneself is one of the tools of independence.

It would not hurt for you to hover just a bit - not enough to appear to be the customer yourself, but enough to make the point that an offender would be picking on someone his own size.

Dear Miss Manners: I am 40 years old and engaged to be married for the first time. While I am overjoyed with the fact that I will be spending my life with a wonderful man, my wedding poses a special problem.

I would like to have a ceremony attended by approximately 100 people. At this stage of my life, I do not feel comfortable having a “string” of bridesmaids precede me up the aisle and stand with me.

However, I have four of the most special friends that a woman could ask for, all of them within six years of my age. Each of them has honored me by referring to me as her “best friend,” and I adore each of them. They have all shared my life in the happiest and darkest times.

I want each to have a special role or place, ideally. But I really do not know how to go about this. I would prefer to have only one stand up with me, but I don’t know how to choose, and I don’t want to hurt any of them.

Gentle Reader: So far, Miss Manners hasn’t had much luck in explaining the proper way to match people and slots when planning a wedding. But as you obviously have a gift for friendship and love, she has hopes that you will understand.

You are supposed to start with the people. When you say that you want to have 100 guests, Miss Manners trusts that you mean that you have identified 100 individuals that you would like to have there. Not that you want to get married in a place that holds 100 people, or to serve a menu that you can only afford to serve to 100, and therefore you are omitting people who mean something to you or adding people who don’t.

The idea of bridesmaids is that the bride be accompanied by her close friends, with the closest as maid or matron of honor. But again, the slots must be adjusted to fit the people involved, not the other way around.

You have four best friends, and therefore should have four honor attendants. They needn’t parade before you; they could simply gather near the altar as groomsmen do. They needn’t be matched with groomsmen, and they needn’t be in bridesmaid uniform. The only point is to have them with you - as you say they have always been.