If It’S Springer, Take A Message

Here we are in the midst of another festive holiday season, basking in the warmth and love of friends and family. Well, maybe basking isn’t exactly the word I’m looking for. Maybe basting, as in what happens to turkeys. Maybe roasting, as in what happens to people in That Bad Place Down Below.

Not every holiday gathering is full of joy and merriment, so I thought I would provide this handy guide for determining whether your holiday gathering is going well or going poorly. I hereby present “Things You Don’t Want to Hear During a Holiday Gathering”:

“Hello, Butterball Turkey Hotline? Do you handle poisoning inquiries?”

“Dad! Cousin Ricky is lying face down in the snow, but I didn’t even punch him that hard.”

“Honey! The ‘Jerry Springer Show’ is on the phone.”

“So, the upshot is, we’re moving in.”

“We’re trying something new this year: Turkey sushi.”

“Why was grandma asking about the car keys? Isn’t she legally blind?”

“Mommy, Uncle Normie’s our funniest uncle! I asked him what he was doing in the garage and he said he was ‘hunting Wild Turkey.”’

“What do you mean, ‘What did I do with the packet of giblets?’ I never saw any packet of giblets.”

“Hello, Butterball Turkey Hotline? Are the fumes from plastic giblet bags toxic?”

(Saying grace) “Let us pause to remember those who can’t be with us today, especially those who are serving time.”

“OK, everybody fan out. A 90-year-old woman couldn’t have gone far.”

“So the upshot is, I need $2,000 in cash.”

“Hey mom, Aunt Beryl and Uncle Dan just pulled up, and it looks like they brought the whole gang with them! In their gang leathers!”

“We’re trying something new this year: Turkey baked in mud.”

“Dad! Cousin Ricky’s lying face down in the snow, but I think he’s faking again. We were only using a BB gun.”

“So the upshot is, I’m now a Mary Kay lady!”

“Mommy, I think Uncle Normie’s our funniest uncle! We asked him to say something funny and he made a big burp!”

“We’re trying something new this year: Turkey-on-a-stick.”

“Dad, Cousin Ricky’s lying face down in the snow, but I think he’s faking again. We didn’t even throw him that far.”

“Mommy, Uncle Normie’s our funniest uncle! We asked him why he was lying on the ground and he said, ‘Play some touch football. I’ll be the goal line.”’

“Go ahead, try it. I fermented it myself.”

“Hello, Butterball Turkey Hotline? What if the dog only licked it?”

“We’re trying something new this year: Turkey-on-a-spit.”

“So the upshot is, the FBI might be nosing around.”

“For a second, I thought you said you were letting Uncle Normie carve the turkey.”

“Cool! There’s a policeman coming to the door!”

“We’re trying something new this year: Boiled turkey, English style.”

“So the upshot is, I have no idea who the father is.”

“Mommy, Uncle Normie’s our funniest uncle. He was carving the turkey and he said, ‘Whoops!’ and jumped up and down and did a wacky dance!”

“Dad, Cousin Ricky is lying face down in the snow, but I don’t think he’s faking anymore. He’s been there for 45 minutes.”

“Sir, we found her driving backward up the on-ramp. She said you sent her to Safeway to get cranberry sauce.”

“Mommy, Uncle Normie’s our funniest uncle. They were loading him on the stretcher and he did his missing finger trick!”

“Okay, listen up, everybody. The ambulance people said that if we find it we should rush it down to the emergency room. So look for it in the stuffing.”

“So the upshot is, you’re all out of my will.”

“So the upshot is, the doctors sewed it back on and it works as well as ever.”

“So the upshot is, you’re all adopted!”