Join In Rather Than Stifle Generosity

Dear Miss Manners: My brother and I travel across the country to join our parents each Thanksgiving for dinner at the house of close friends or relatives, or at my parents’ house, where sometimes we invite close friends or relatives, and sometimes we don’t. At home, it is the tradition that all family members participate in the multiday process of shopping, preparation and service of the meal, which we try to make as formal as possible. During the entire day, the house fills pleasantly with classical music and cooking fragrances.

Prior to Thanksgiving, my mother polled the family, and my brother expressed his very strong preference to have our meal at home without company. As a result, we declined an invitation to join some dear friends.

When the shopping was done, even as the pots began to boil, my mother, who is quite devout, left for church. Upon her return, two hours before the meal was to be served, my father, brother and I were most surprised to find that my mother was no longer alone. She had with her another woman from church, a homeless woman who had no other plans and could reasonably be presumed to be hungry and alone.

But that was not all. In the car behind my mother was an entire additional family (two parents and an adult daughter), unrelated to either the homeless woman or, as far as I could tell, anyone else. I later learned that these people (of substantial means and income) were acquaintances of my mother, and they had asked to be invited to dinner because the grandmother was sick in the hospital, and so they were sad.

Needless to say, a sudden doubling in the number of guests required a radical change in the food preparation plans. I was forced to abandon my cooking and rush to the grocery store to fight the crowds and find something else to serve our new guests.

Back at the house, the scene became chaotic. My brother credibly threatened not to attend the meal, although he was eventually persuaded. By the time the food was served, things were extremely tense and unpleasant. The homeless woman was mentally ill and the pushy family of three was disagreeable. The conversation was stilted and barely civil, and all parties left the table the very moment it was plausibly proper that they do so. My father, bless his heart, was forced to devote himself entirely to keeping up appearances.

Had I known that this would happen, I probably would not have flown in, and my brother certainly would not have. However, looking back, it is not clear to me who was being improper, and how.

It is my current plan to make my attendance at the next event conditional upon not the guest list, but simply that there are no last-minute surprises. Is that improper? How do I avoid placing myself in this unpleasant situation again?

Gentle reader: By preventing your mother from going to church. That’s probably where she is encountering not only the people she brings home, but the idea that Thanksgiving has to do with hospitality and kindness.

Miss Manners would rather hear that you joined her. Granted that surprise guests are difficult, that a family needs some time to itself, and that this particular entertainment did not serve the purpose of delighting the guests - still, your mother’s approach is admirable and she ought to be helped, not hindered.

She should certainly be strongly encouraged to exercise her generosity by inviting people in need (without rating whether homelessness counts more than family stress) in advance, so that proper preparations can be made and everyone knows what to expect. But with an appreciation of her impulsive kindness and the spirit of Thanksgiving, your family could have made the impromptu dinner party a success. In any case, you could have had a jolly time together talking it over afterwards.