Barbie Makeover A Few Modest Suggestions To Make America’S Favorite Blonde A Real Doll

Although no sane parent would wish for more Barbies, I have a different perspective. My 7-year-old has several platoons including Hula Hair Barbie, Testy Teacher Barbie and Busted Blade (Skater) Barbie. But the current collection doesn’t represent real life. What fully-evolved human spends most of her time ice skating and trying on 8-tier velvet dresses?

A truly inclusive Barbie collection would reflect the diverse, complex world we live in. Imagine wheeling your cart down aisle B-4 of Toys “R” Us and finding these Barbies waiting for you:

1) Alternative School Teen Barbie: After being suspended from high school four times in one year, (for fighting in the hall and smoking behind the gym), Barbie’s being shipped to an “alternative school” for problem students. Alternative School Teen Barbie comes with inappropriately short skirt, extra makeup, and a giant chip for her shoulder (attaches with Velcro).

2) Cybercool Barbie: Technology once stumped Barbie, but now she’s as plugged-in as the next person (caution: avoid standing next to Ken). Barbie got a Pentium a few years ago, and is a whiz at most Microsoft applications. Cybercool Barbie comes with computer workstation, ergonomically correct chair, and wrist brace for overuse of her mouse. Monitor and printer sold separately.

3) Lobbyist Barbie: After college, Barbie tossed her spandex into the Toyota and headed for D.C. Growing up atop a mountain of consumer goods, she had a soft spot for manufacturers. Barbie picked up campaign experience and crafted a dazzling resume, some of which was true. Now she churns out position papers and subcommittee testimony with ease. Lobbyist Barbie kit includes briefcase and large bottle of Evian water (laptop sold separately).

4) HMO Barbie: Ken’s got a great job with Exxon, but the medical plan flung them into the vortex of HMO-land. Now Barbie spends hours each month reading the provider directory, scanning the handbook for exclusions and arranging for referrals to a dermatologist. HMO Barbie comes with telephone headset, bottle of Advil and yellow legal pad (appointment calendar extra).

5) Noble Peace Prize Barbie: Barbie’s credibility skyrocketed after she got that master’s in International Studies at Georgetown. She now facilitates meetings between murderous Third-World factions. After field experience in Rwanda (where only .0000000025 percent of the population has platinum hair), she brokered a lasting peace accord between warring yam growers in Burundi. Nobel Peace Barbie comes with horn-rimmed contact lenses, Mother Teresa headgear and a cell phone.

6) Gifted and Talented Barbie: Like kids from Lake Wobegon, Barbie’s always been 10 I.Q. points ahead. In kindergarten, her parents begged the teacher to assign “Moby Dick” instead of “Hop on Pop.” Testing by a clinical psychologist confirmed that Barbie was headed for M.I.T. Gifted and Talented Barbie comes with Stanford-Binet preparation kit and algebraic calculator. Options include college application essay and summer guide for the too-smart-for-regular-camp teen.

7) Bankruptcy Barbie: All these years, you wondered how Barbie could afford those designer outfits. Well, her house of credit cards finally collapsed. After Ken’s audit found an $86,397 shortfall, the IRS slapped a lien on the California contemporary, including all 10 walk-in closets.

A credit counselor talked Barbie into filing under Chapter 7, since eight complete outfits are exempt from forfeiture. Bankruptcy Barbie comes with diced credit cards, a pocket notebook for recording expenses and a copy of “The Tightwad Gazette.”

If only Barbie had the guts to exit bimboland forever. I want to hear talking Barbie say “Calculus is a blast!” instead of “Let’s go to the beach!” Hasn’t she ever heard of melanoma? If the rest of us are stretched to the breaking point, trying to figure out where to fit in toenail-clipping, why isn’t Barbie? With some version of Barbie walking out of a store every two seconds, she’s as much an American icon as Eleanor Roosevelt or Mark McGwire.

In fact, Millennium Mania Barbie should be available before you can say “Y2K.”