Tree Farewell Can Be Painful

Sat., Dec. 26, 1998

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

A lot of people are in denial.

But for those households with real Christmas trees, the question arises sooner or later: What to do with it when the holiday season is over?

Obviously, putting it out with the trash is one popular solution. But you need not be an overly sentimental sort to wince at the sight of the family tannenbaum whimpering out by the curb. So some people set their trees free in the wild.

Before long, you’ll see these folks driving out of town with now-brittle pines that have completed their tour of duty. They’re headed for the backcountry, land of Christmas tree afterlife.

Foresters probably take a dim view of a practice that essentially amounts to dumping bone-dry fire fuel in the woods. There’s probably a fine. But that doesn’t stop tenderhearts intent on finding a decent final resting place for their yule trees.

“Maybe some bird will be able to use the needles in a nest,” someone will say, eyes wide.

“Or perhaps little animals will find a use for the branches and trunk,” another might suggest.

There’s no need to mention names. But there are people around here who have been known to drive 50 miles to find the right spot.

No, there’s nothing logical about hauling a dead tree into a forest. It’s not as if it is magically going to take root and experience reincarnation.

But for members of the Christmas Tree Liberation Front, this isn’t about rational decisions or common sense. It’s about saying goodbye.

* Looking ahead to the Y1999 problem: If you already think you might be willing to trade total disruption of society for a respite from Y2K talk, just wait. Next year is going to be a long, strange trip.

* Reality check: We haven’t conducted a survey or anything. But we suspect that the vast majority of Inland Northwest residents do not attend New Year’s Eve parties. So the following tips are for just a few of those in today’s live studio audience.

* How to tell when it’s time to get someone to drive you home from the New Year’s party: 1. You find yourself saying, “Here, look, this egg nog can be used as a skin lotion.”

2. “Oh, excuse me. Thought that was an hors d’oeuvre.”

3. You find yourself enjoying a Dick Clark special.

* Bowl games we’d like to see:

1. Avista Huckleberry Bowl.

2. Peter Bailey Was Not A Businessman Bowl.

3. Circle of Friends Bowl.

4. Rite Aid Safe Sex Bowl.

* Today’s Slice question: What aspect of life in the Inland Northwest would you like to exchange?

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