Build On Differences, Rather Than Force Change

“I’ve wanted a baby forever,” sighs Jenna, 28, a publicist with a television station who just celebrated her fourth anniversary with Kent. “When we became engaged, my husband promised we could start our family after waiting two years, max. Now he remembers saying nothing of the kind.”

In fact, whenever Jenna brings up the subject of children, Ken quickly changes it, picks up a book and starts to read, or races for his golf clubs and heads out the door.

“I’m beginning to think Kent not only doesn’t want to have a child with me, he doesn’t even want me,” she says.

Jenna says it was Kent’s diffidence that so charmed her when they first met at a friend’s party. “He was shy and quiet,” she recalls. She was intrigued by his brooding silences, too, unlike her own father, who roared so frequently at her mother when Jenna was growing up that she and her sisters spent many hours cowering in their rooms until the battling ebbed. But now, Jenna can’t get Kent to talk about anything - not their lovemaking, their future or why he seems so uninterested in making a life together.

Jenna senses that she and Kent are drifting further and further apart; days pass when they don’t speak at all.

The reason Kent doesn’t talk is because he doesn’t know what to say.

“It’s no secret that I’m not demonstrative, that I tend to pull back from affection and intimacy,” says the 30-year-old biologist. “If I sense that any person, including Jenna, is getting too close, I feel uncomfortable - panicky. I’ve always been like that - and I’m not sure why.”

Raised by parents who were almost 50 when he was born and who paid scant attention to either his problems or his achievements, Kent was a latchkey kid from the age of 8.

“My parents were too preoccupied with hating each other and worrying about money to be concerned with me. That’s one reason I’m not anxious to have kids yet. I want my children to have all the advantages I missed, and until I’m sure I can provide that, I don’t even want to talk about it.”

When they first met, Kent remembers, he and Jenna spent many wonderful evenings at the library or just sitting around in his apartment.

“Everything was very peaceful. Now, if I open a book, Jenna opens her mouth - and a stream of aimless chitchat about her friends, their spouses and their babies pours forth.”

I love you, you’re perfect - now change

Jenna and Kent were initially attracted to each other because they were temperamentally so opposite, notes Jane Greer, a sex and marital therapist. “Now, instead of respecting and building on those differences, they are trying to mold each other into the kind of person they want.”

The result was that they quickly undermined each other’s confidence and self-esteem, not to mention their marital closeness. Kent’s unthawing reserve was a legacy from his youth. As an adult, he was automatically protecting himself from any intimate involvement that might further wound his ego. Jenna was better equipped emotionally than her husband, but the intense closeness that she needed to feel loved scared him off.

Could you and your partner be pushing each other’s hot buttons unwittingly? The following guidelines will give you an idea of what you’re doing that is eroding, rather than building, intimacy.

Take the time to make a list of qualities you admire in your spouse as well as qualities you’d like to see changed. Then, on a separate sheet of paper, list what you think your spouse would say about you. Make sure your comments are neutral, that is, not contaminated by put-downs sarcasm or disdain.

2. Exchange lists, but first agree not to be upset or angry with what you learn. This is an exercise in troubleshooting that demands honesty and openness. However, if either of you is not yet able to handle it, table the discussion until you’re feeling more sanguine.

As the pressure from Jenna decreased, Kent opened up, suggesting that she join him on the golf course - he bought her lessons as an anniversary gift - and became more responsive at home. Although Kent is still concerned that he will not be a good father, he’s agreed to stop using birth control, and says he is nervous, but excited, about starting a family.