Combative Daughter Needs Immediate Help
Q. My daughter is 9 years old and hits children when they upset her or provoke her, or when she doesn’t get her way. She hits and bites her little sister for no reason, pulls her hair and knocks her down. I hold her down and put her in timeout, but it doesn’t work. What do you recommend?
A. Focus on treatment for her. She needs your help. Aggressive behavior should not be mistaken for personality strength. Dr. James Lock, child psychiatrist at Stanford University School of Medicine, states that feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness, and poor self-esteem often underlie the behavior of aggressive kids.
Make an appointment with a child psychiatrist to have her evaluated. Dr. Lock comments that aggressive acts may be associated with underlying problems of genetic or chemical origin.
You need to understand the problem she faces in order to achieve the most effective treatment. The doctor may recommend individual therapy, family therapy, medication or all three.
A powerful tool parents can use to help kids change their behavior is to give them extra doses of individual time. Aggressive kids need positive attention and approval from parents. Their ability to provoke parents’ anger sharply reduces their supply of good feelings.
Spend one hour each day sharing activities just with your 9-year-old.
Tell her it’s her special time. Let her choose the activity and take the lead in your time together.
Imaginative play, building projects and art activities are therapeutic for all kids, but especially helpful to those with doubts about their self-esteem.
Compliment her on her achievements and abilities. Listen to her and reflect back the comments and feelings she expresses.
Make a special effort to have each daughter play with their own friends on a regular basis. Whenever you observe tensions and tempers heating up, change the activity or bring out the snacks.
When your 9-year-old violates the no hurting rule, take her out of the action, restate the rule and assign her 15 minutes of work duty.
Timeout is more suited to kids from ages 3 to 8. Don’t hold her down. Power struggles are a lose-lose situation.
Stay with her and guide her in her cleaning tasks. Choose jobs that result in visible improvements, such as washing a floor, sweeping walks, cleaning basins. Praise her work. When she’s done, let her resume play in good standing.
Q. I am the mother of 2-1/2-year-old twin girls. My fiance and I are living with my mother, whose feelings on how to raise children are completely different from mine. I feel at times she wants to take over and push me aside. I resent this. I choose to raise them as I see fit, but the conflict between my mother and me is almost unbearable, which puts stress on my girls. The only solution I have come up with is to find somewhere else to live. The plan was to stay here until we bought a house and save the high rent, but I’d rather pay rent and enjoy my home than live in a stressful, overpowering environment. Do you have any suggestions for a stubborn grandmother and a stressed-out mother?
A. Moving into your own home puts you in charge. The rent may be higher, but your stress level should go down.
Regardless of your living arrangments, you need to set the boundary between your territory, which is raising your girls, and your mother’s desire to direct the action. The next time she takes on the mother role with your girls, tell her, “Mom, raising the girls is my job. Like every mother, I want to do it my way.”
Twin 2-year-olds are a double challenge. At this age their brains are making the big developmental leap that signals their ability to think more independently.
Recognizing they are separate individuals with their own ideas is an exciting new experience for them, and brings a new set of problems.
Taking a parenting class could help you and your fiance meet this challenge.
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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Cathleen Brown The Spokesman-Review