Why Inflict Pain To Teach Children Lessons?
Q. I disagree with your response to a mother whose 20-month-old child repeatedly hits other children in his play group. I feel many parents will have suffered from this advice. A child 2 years old and younger can mediate some impulses. By 4 years they have already developed their basic personality traits, and the damage is done. If you distract a child as you mentioned, you are confusing him even further. He will not relate to the issue at hand. If, on the other hand, you slap his hand when the offense is committed, he immediately understands that pain has been inflicted and knows what action he was reprimanded for. It’s all so simple. We don’t need to psychoanalyze the situation. Keep it simple for simple minds. Please note that I didn’t say to BEAT the child. I believe that good behavior should be rewarded as well with hugs and kisses. When parents try to “psycho-babble” their children, they confuse them. Unlike the adult mind, their minds are simple. They need to associate bad behavior with pain and good behavior with pleasant feelings. This is simple logic, which they can comprehend. Raising most children does not require psychoanalysis, especially with such a relatively minor and common problem as this. Keep it simple and they will understand.
A. What confuses kids is to tell them hitting is bad, and then follow this message by hitting them. Parents should model the rules they are teaching kids, rather than violate them.
Because kids don’t have the mental capacity of adults does not justify inflicting pain to teach them lessons. Kids don’t have to suffer to learn.
Some teachers used to hit kids for failing to spell words or respond to questions correctly. Now, that practice seems barbaric.
Since adults have a much greater capacity for reasoning, they should be able to find methods of teaching other than applying pain.
Distracting kids before they violate a rule can prevent many problems. Keeping kids out of trouble is a valuable principle, equal in importance to responding promptly to their misdeeds.
Parents should take immediate action when a kid hits another. Stating the rule and isolating the wrongdoer for a brief period is effective punishment.
So is loss of privileges.
In Monty Roberts book, “The Man Who Listens to Horses,” he describes the old method his father used to “break” horses, which involved inflicting pain and scaring the horse into submission. Every horseman thought this was the only way to “show ‘em who’s boss.”
Today, Roberts trains a horse by isolating him from the herd. Like people, horses are herd animals and isolation makes them uncomfortable. He has revolutionized horse training.
Let’s revolutionize child rearing by using wisdom and humane methods.
Q. I read your column and noticed recently that two letters were from parents whose kids were showing signs of attention deficit disorder. My wife and I both have ADD and have suffered with the same problems as the children described in your column all of our lives. Our parents believed these were behavioral and organizational problems caused by lack of discipline. Treatment for ADD has had an enormous positive effect on our lives. Now we understand the biological/neurological basis of these problems, and that they can be corrected with medication. We were also helped by a book by Monroe Gross on ADD. He has an Internet site www.addmtc.com. We would like to let your readers know there is effective treatment for children and adults with ADD.
A. Thank you very much for your thoughtful letter. I appreciate your personal account of the positive changes medication has brought both you and your wife.
I know medication is not the answer for every child with ADD, however, it has helped many kids and adults overcome the symptoms and the stigma of distracting, unfocused behavior.
The old medical assumption was that kids outgrew ADD. The new understanding is that many adults continue to be driven by the chemistry, which creates this disorder. Proper treatment helps sufferers of ADD of all ages.
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