Offer Reassurance When Sought

Dear Miss Manners: When I visited a friend I have known for almost 40 years, I found we have aged quite differently. We were both considered pretty in our 20s, but she was prettier, I thought. She had great taste in clothes and looked like a million bucks.

Now she is very thin, and I am too fat. She has a zillion wrinkles and is getting jowls. She wears her gray hair long, below her shoulders, and seems to have lost her interest in fashion. I have no wrinkles, dye my short hair, and am still a clotheshorse.

The problem surfaced when she said, “If you were me, would you have a face lift?” Knowing she could afford it, I replied, “Yes, I would.” She kept fishing for compliments about her hair, but I dislike gray hair on anyone, so I just said, “Hmmm,” or “You’re the only one who has to like it,” to which she exploded, “I think it looks better than it ever has!”

When I left, she told me, “friend to friend,” that I wasn’t as pleasant as I had been on previous visits. What should I have said to all those wrinkle and hair questions?

Gentle Reader: After nearly 40 years, you are supposed to know your friends well enough to tell when they are asking for counsel and when they are asking for reassurance.

And when they fish for compliments you are supposed to put something on the hook.

Miss Manners supposes you are going to protest that you will not put your honesty on the line. And indeed, she recognizes that you did try to equivocate, although you didn’t succeed in fooling your friend. But try a little harder.

Presumably, you like this lady. Presumably, you were glad to see her. So it should not strain your conscience to tell her that she looks good to you - as the face of an old friend always does, although you needn’t add that. What you can say, if pressed, is that you are so fond of her that you are incapable of analyzing her critically.

Dear Miss Manners: I attend college classes at night, and I am sensitive to those who work all day then go to school, having no time for food. I am one of them. However, eating during lecture is very rude. There are signs clearly posted in each class room that state “no food, no drink, no smoking.”

No matter where I sit, every session I always seem to be right in front of someone who has loud cellophane wrappers or loud popping gum - or someone who cannot chew with his mouth closed! It is driving me up the wall, not to mention diverting my attention from the instructor.

Not knowing my classmates well, I do not know how to tell them to shut up and chew with their mouths closed or not at all! I have tried eye contact, scooting forward as far as my desk will let me, and plugging my ears. It really bothers me! To get up and make a large production of moving my position in the classroom seems inappropriate also. I do not want to disturb the instructor.

Gentle Reader: Why not? The rule against disturbing the class by eating is posted; it is being violated, you are being disturbed. The instructor is the one with the responsibility and authority to enforce the rules.

Miss Manners also cherishes the hope that the instructor will do it more tactfully than your wishes suggest. The “shut up” approach is even more unseemly than open-mouthed chewing.

As you sympathize with those who must eat on the run, you ought to be all the more careful to avoid embarrassing them. The discreet way to do this would be to approach the instructor before or after class and mention your problem of having trouble concentrating when people eat, rather than describe who is eating or how.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate