Reckless Teens Will Shape Up Into Adults

Dear Ann Landers: My wife and I recently attended a business conference in a hotel in Winston-Salem, N.C., where a college debating competition was being held.

These young people, who had reached one of the final rounds of a national event, were from such schools as Harvard, Stanford and the University of Illinois. They were dressed like Third World refugees who had been given access to a Salvation Army reject bin. Their coaches and teachers were distinguishable from the rabble only by a gray hair or two.

These students gathered 10-deep in the corridors and blocked everyone’s way. They smoked in no-smoking areas, left beer cans all over the place and sprawled in male-female entwinement on the staircase landing and in the alcove off the lobby. One rugged individualist worked on his laptop while sitting on the patio during what appeared to be an approaching cyclone.

When the debates were over, the hotel’s newly installed carpets were matted with the remains of fast-food meals, greasy wrappings, wadded napkins, empty cups and assorted debris. If these are our future leaders, God help us. - North Carolina Couple

Dear N.C.: Somewhere between the reckless carefree years and adulthood, those teenagers manage to shape up. Life demands it, and they respond. The “refugee look” is in at the moment, but that, too, will pass, and before you know it, that young guy who was in the alcove off the lobby will be chairman of the board.

Dear Ann Landers: I am the 25-year-old mother of a beautiful 3-year-old girl. My mom has cared for this child since birth because I was unable to. I am now happily married and ready to take my daughter back and make her part of my family.

The problem is my mom. She does not want to give up the child. She has no legal rights, but I don’t want to make something ugly out of this. I love my mother dearly. She was there for me when I needed her, but now, I am able to make a home for my daughter, and I want her back.

Please tell me what to do, Ann. I am - Between a Rock and a Hard Place in Florida

Dear Florida: Now that you are able to care for your child, she belongs with you. I suggest a gradual transition. Start with weekends at your home, and then, keep adding days. As soon as the child is old enough for preschool, get her enrolled, and the hassle will be over.

Be careful that this does not create a rift between you and your mother. She is an important part of your child’s life, and you should not forget it.

Dear Ann Landers: Why do people assume that battered women come from the lower classes? Rich women are battered, too. The wealthy have one advantage, however - they can hide it better.

After being abused for several years, I gave up an estate in Canada, a country home in the south of France, a farm in Vermont and an apartment in Florida, and left with my two young daughters. No laws protected me, and I settled for very little in order to get a divorce. I traded a life of luxury for my sanity and self-esteem. It has been difficult, but when I see how well my daughters are doing, I am filled with pride and convinced that I made the right choice.

Do I regret leaving? No. Do I believe that rich men don’t beat their wives? Absolutely not. The only difference between a rich wife-beater and a poor one is money. - Struggling But Happier in Montreal

Dear Montreal: Your letter certainly proves the adage “All that glitters is not gold. ” Thanks for writing.