Heroines Handle Baggage Gracefully

Dear Ann Landers: I am writing on behalf of a group of people that get a lot of grief and too little appreciation for the good we do. We are the second wives.

Second wives make all the sacrifices that first wives make. I have genuine sympathy for the first wives who are struggling with deadbeat fathers. They get a very raw deal. However, there are plenty of first wives who have remarried and have excellent jobs, yet they still squeeze their former husbands for as much money as they can get. Any words of encouragement, Ann? We can use some backing. - S.R., Charlotte, N.C.

Dear Charlotte: You have made a lot of good points, but every second wife should be aware that she is marrying a man with a history. Often, that history takes precedence and will continue to be his first priority as long as he lives. If the second wife is wise, she will be aware of this and not attempt to discourage his loyalty to his first family. He will admire her generosity of spirit and love her for it.

The second wife is a genuine heroine if she can handle all the baggage gracefully. But if the guy truly loves her and lets her know it, it’s well worth the effort. The next letter is from a divorced woman who tells us what divorce did for her self-esteem and level of confidence. It’s a real upper:

Dear Ann Landers: This letter is in response to “Housewife and Working Secretary in Fresno,” who said housewives do get paid - they reap the benefits of their husbands’ salaries.

I stayed at home for 25 years and “reaped the benefits” of my husband’s salary. I knew how to cook a meal and change a diaper. I also had no self-esteem, no notion that I might have a few brains of my own, and no money that I could spend without his approval. My husband paid all the bills. I couldn’t even balance a checkbook. I didn’t know what anything cost or what our mortgage payments were. I didn’t understand health insurance and didn’t know anything about car payments or what interest rates we were paying on things we bought on credit.

Divorce changed all that. I am now remarried and run my own business. I balance four checkbooks and do payroll and all the bookkeeping. I deal with business accounts, workers’ compensation, liability insurance and unemployment.

Staying home is OK if you want your brain to go dead. Staying home is OK if you want an occasional allowance for picking up toys and cleaning toilets. I learned the hard way that I could make it on my own if I had to and am very proud of myself. Sign me - I Showed Him in Maryland

Dear Maryland: More important than “showing him,” you showed yourself. Learning to stand on your own two feet did wonders for your self-esteem. But please don’t diminish the woman who stays home and takes care of her children. This does not mean she is brain-dead. Perhaps she doesn’t get the kudos and visibility of a corporate vice president, but her job is just as important and equally rewarding.

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