Loyalty Works For Sports And Pets, Why Not At Home?

Come on, men. How difficult can it be? If a Canada goose can do it, so can you.

I am referring to fidelity, or being true to one’s mate. Fidelity has been on my mind recently, not just because of certain untoward allegations involving the White House, but also because I have been reading up on the habits of various waterfowl. It seems that both the swan and the goose mate for life, which automatically makes them more advanced than most humans, including certain presidents (I am referring, of course, to Ronald Reagan, who mated for life twice).

In any case, it seems that men have always found it difficult to mate for life, which is why so many men go through mental agony in the weeks before getting married. Here is a re-enactment of what goes through the brain, as well as certain other portions, of an engaged man:

Brain: Marriage is a big commitment, but that’s fine because I love her.

Rest of body: Are you kidding me? No other women, ever?

Brain: That’s what marriage means, making a lifelong commitment to the one you love.

Rest of body: No other women at all?

Brain: Yes. I’m ready for this, I really am.

Rest of body: OK, but what about that hot chick in Accounts Receivable?

Brain: It’s a vow, a very solemn vow, and I am prepared to keep it.

Rest of body: Listen, this vow you’re talking about, does it really rule out that Accounts Receivable chick?

Brain: Marriage will call for some sacrifice, but it’s worth it for my lovely bride.

Rest of body: Of course it doesn’t rule out the Accounts Receivable chick! Especially if my wife doesn’t find out! What my wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her! Problem solved!

Brain: You know, I’m going to love this marriage thing. What a great institution.

So I’m not suggesting that fidelity is easy. However, if I could deliver one message to all of you men out there, it would be this: Fidelity is possible. In fact, you may be able to achieve it without joining Promise Keepers and going off on marches and giving big, weepy hugs to other men. In fact, I am willing to bet that you already have plenty of practice in fidelity without even realizing it.

Just think, for a minute, about your relationship with your dog. Your lovable Bowser adores you more than anything in the world. Instinctively, you know the right way to treat Bowser. You would never be so churlish, weak and ungrateful as to go around taking new, strange puppies out for walks every day while leaving Bowser languishing in his kennel. You wouldn’t go opening up Bowser’s backyard to some new, sleek purebred, the kind that will eat all of Bowser’s food, urinate on his favorite fenceposts, maybe even torment him by sneaking up behind him and nipping him in the butt.

No, you repay Bowser’s love by being loyal to him. It’s called fidelity, and it’s the right thing to do.

That doesn’t sound so hard, does it?

Take another example: Your sports loyalties. Let’s say you’re a Seahawks fan. You made a vow, many years ago, to stick with the Seahawks through the winning seasons and re-building years, the Dave Krieg years and the Rick Mirer years. This relationship has not been easy. In fact, it has been hellish since Dennis Erickson took over.

But you don’t go running off to Kansas City and becoming a Chiefs fan, do you? No, a man sticks with his team. It’s called fidelity. It’s called the right thing to do.

Now, if you can achieve fidelity in these parts of your life, surely you can achieve fidelity with your wife. All you have to do is think of your wife as if she were a big old hairy lovable golden retrie … wait a minute, this is not coming out right at all.

What I mean is, if you can be faithful to a dog, surely with a little extra effort you can be faithful to someone vastly more important to your life.

For those of you who require reasons for being loyal, how about some of these: Kindness. Happiness. Treating others the way you wish to be treated. Peace of mind. Decency. Not having to worry about certain unpleasant diseases.

I don’t know if kindness and happiness are among the reasons that swans and geese mate for life, but I like to imagine that they are.

On the other hand, I’ve noticed that swans and geese can sometimes be cranky, if not downright surly. I never said fidelity was easy.

, DataTimes MEMO: To leave a message on Jim Kershner’s voice-mail, call 459-5493. Or send e-mail to jimk@spokesman.com, or regular mail to Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review