Fish Etiquette Exception To Rule

Dear Miss Manners: As time passes and circumstances change, what may have been socially unacceptable or improper at one time may today pass for acceptable behavior or perhaps be completely welcomed. However, I am inclined to believe that at least some standards of propriety and social respect should be observed at all times.

I can think of one particular matter where I have heard of, and seen, so many variations of what to do that confusion too easily sets in. I refer specifically to eating those types of fish that are loaded with bones, especially those with very small, numerous bones.

The various ways of dealing with dining on such fish have ranged from unceremoniously and quite openly spitting the bones back onto the plate (and I have seen this done at several restaurants) to very laboriously scraping the meat from the bones and then gingerly chewing and swallowing. Another variation calls for taking a bite of fish, bones and all, and then just as laboriously/carefully using the fingers to pluck and pull the fish bones from one’s mouth - a sight I have found to be distasteful to say the least.

I have heard that the proper procedure is to cover one’s mouth with a napkin and use one’s hand to remove the bones. I have also been told that the ideal way is to cover one’s mouth with a napkin and carefully spit the bones into it.

Yet another “method,” which I find extremely dubious, is to take one’s chances and chew vigorously enough to break up the bones, rendering them small and harmless enough to swallow.

If there is a “best” or truly proper way to deal with this problem, please let us know. I say “us” in the hope that there are other people who are equally concerned about what to do.

Gentle Reader: Sure, times change, but as Miss Manners doesn’t recall redesigning the fish, she doesn’t see any particular need to redesign fish etiquette.

Also, you heard wrong. Every method you suggest is improper except the one that you find distasteful. Fish bones are indeed properly taken from the mouth by hand, and without using a napkin as a curtain to protect your feelings.

This is an exception to the usual rule, but fish feel they have to do everything differently. With any other food, the rule is that things exit as they entered - the refuse of finger foods, such as grape seeds, going out by hand, and that of fork foods on a return trip by fork.

Dear Miss Manners: How long should I wait before I answer a letter?

One of my cousins complained that when they answer my letter, I answer right back and then they owe me another one. Needless to say, I do not correspond with this cousin any more.

I love to write letters, and I love to receive them. I feel that I am having a conversation with the person, and my desire is to answer immediately. I try to wait a week now, but I’m afraid that I will forget to answer at all. Perhaps I need to wait longer, as most of my friends correspond less and less. I realize that there are not too many people who like to write letters, but it has always been a favorite hobby of mine.

Gentle Reader: A very nice hobby it is, too - only Miss Manners suggests you practice it on a wider circle. You are in danger of wearing out all your correspondents.

Your cousin is quite justified in claiming exhaustion. Although invitations and announcements require an immediate response, chatty social correspondence is supposed to proceed at a more leisurely pace. You must give people time to live their lives so that they have something to write to you about.