Speak Up, Make Feelings Known

“I’ve been living at my girlfriend’s house for the last five days,” says 25-year-old Allison, a pretty administrative assistant. “Brad calls several times a day, but I refuse to return to a marriage that makes me miserable and to a man who criticizes everything I do or say.”

Her husband, says Allison, wants to be the life of the party and wants a glamour-girl wife to sparkle in the spotlight beside him. “Well, I just can’t,” she says, “nor do I want to.” As a child, Allison felt lost in a family that had more kids than money: “I did my best to please my parents, who were pretty mean to all of us,” she recalls. “I was quiet and obedient and stayed out of their way as much as possible.”

In the three years she’s been married, Allison’s self-esteem and confidence have slowly eroded. Her husband, she explains, has a long list of complaints - and nothing escapes his critical eye: her appearance, her shyness, her clumsiness, her lack of social graces.

“I can hold my own in a one-on-one conversation at one of his law school parties,” Allison explains, but in a crowd, she finds the witty remarks she planned to say fly right out of her head. “Or else I make a dreadful blooper and everyone laughs - not with me, but at me.”

“Brad used to tell me he married me because he fell in love with my naturalness,” Allison says with a rueful laugh. “But he spent the last few years trying to change me in every way possible.” Right now, she feels so beaten down, she’s not really interested in counseling. “I work hard in a job that bores me to tears so Brad can fulfill his career goals,” she says. “Not once have I ever thrown that up in his face. But not once has he ever expressed any appreciation for my effort.” A beleaguered Allison feels she just can’t talk to her husband about how she feels, and she’d rather step aside, file for divorce and let another woman fill the shoes she can’t.

Brad was shocked when his wife moved out. “I wish Allison would realize how hard I’ve tried to help her,” insists 29-year-old Brad. “She’s pretty, she’s smart - and she does everything possible to hide her assets. I can’t figure out why.”

Brad explains that when he was growing up, he had as little confidence in himself as his wife seems to have now. “I was a shy, skinny, awkward kid, starved for companionship,” he recalls. “I can still remember looking out the bedroom window at the other kids playing touch football. I’d daydream that suddenly I’d appear among them, tall and muscular, to score the winning touchdown.” Not until high school, when the drama coach took an interest in him, did Brad learn to be more at ease with himself and with others.

“I don’t want to hurt her,” Brad explains, “I’m really only trying to help.”

The courage to speak up - three key reasons why women don’t speak up

“Allison lacks the courage to stand up for herself, so instead, she wimps out and says yes to Brad when she really means ‘drop dead,’ says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage and sex therapist. “However, she’s not only seething inside, she’s further shattering her damaged self-esteem by not expressing her feelings.”

Many women are as timid as Allison about standing up to criticism, whether it comes from a spouse, a boss, a parent or a friend. Understanding the reasons behind that fear can help shore up your courage and loosen your tongue. Could the following reasons be holding you back?

You’re afraid of abandonment.

You’ve been burned before.

You’ve been taught to placate others.

So what should you do if you feel blasted by another’s harsh words. First, ask yourself: Are you happy now? If the answer is no, then ask yourself if there’s a chance things will improve if you say nothing? Not likely. Sometimes, simply thinking this through will give you the courage to hold fast to your point if a discussion gets heated.

Next, wait until your anger subsides before confronting the person who’s been critical. Listen to what the person is saying and make mental notes so you can respond calmly. Be assertive but not offensive.

If the relationship is important to you, compromise on the unimportant things, but stand firm on issues that really matter.

Once she made her feelings known, Allison not only began to feel less like a doormat, her husband started to recognize when he was stepping over the line and curbed his critical comments.