Try To Get Along With Stepdaughter
Q. I have a 19-year-old step-daughter I consider to be very selfish and ungrateful. She visits with us a few months each year. The problem is she treats our home like a luxury hotel. She sleeps until 11, even though I get up at 5:30. We have asked her to try to follow our schedule, but to no avail. We cannot get her to help when we are working outside. I have tolerated this disrespectful behavior since she was 14. I finally spoke to her about her lack of cooperation and it resulted in a terrible fight. She said I had no right to tell her what to do because she came to visit her dad, not me. We have saved $15,000 for her college education, but she went on a crying jag because we couldn’t pay for the college of her choice. She has chosen a private college that has an equestrian program, and wants us to give her one of our horses to ride and pay the $170 per month boarding fee. My husband said he would go along with that, but I refuse. My husband is very upset with me. She wants to come back this fall, but with her disrespectful attitude, I think she is a poor house guest and I don’t want her back. My husband loves his only daughter very much. This conflict is causing problems between my husband and me. Please give me some advice.
A. Your primary goal is to maintain a cooperative and supportive relationship with your husband, even if this includes enduring some difficult behavior from his daughter. A partner’s family is part of the package one marries, for better or worse.
Welcome her as a show of support for him. Objecting to her visits puts your husband in an impossible position. You can’t ask him to reject his daughter.
Stepparents are often left feeling frustrated when stepkids show more resentment than gratitude. Enjoy your own activities and don’t worry about entertaining her.
The divorce brought your stepdaughter loss of her original family and a sense of abandonment. Resentment comes easily when kids are forced to adjust to these realities.
Expecting your teenager to live by your schedule is unrealistic. Sleeping late is an adolescent trait, and kids can’t be considered in the same category as house guests.
If you can resolve your feelings of frustration, you and your husband can more easily join the same side in making effective decisions. Working together demonstrates to your stepdaughter that the two of you are a team, and your rules and decisions reflect the team view.
Helping her and the horse go off to college gives your stepdaughter the opportunity to develop greater independence and self-reliance. Supporting your husband in this is an investment that has many benefits.
Q. We have a 9-year-old daughter who is entering the pre-teenage stage.
On the weekend when my husband and I want to go to the store, she says she doesn’t want to go. She wants to stay home and play. What is a good age for children to stay at home? We make her come with us, and she enjoys herself, though occasionally she is bored the whole time.
A. The decision about when to let her stay home alone should be based on her level of maturity, her ability to handle responsibility, and the safety of the neighborhood in which you live.
A good transition to her staying alone, is to notify the neighbors that you’re going to be gone for a specified time and ask them to be on call.
Make sure she knows how to handle emergencies and how to find help if she needs it.
Set guidelines regarding use of the stove, answering the door and using the phone. Start with brief periods until she has gained experience and you have developed confidence in her abilities. The right age to leave kids alone is not as significant as good preparation.