Overcome Child’S Problem Together

“I used to think Sam was such a wonderful husband and father, but now I’m convinced the kids and I would be better off without him,” says Maureen, 42, a homemaker and member of several school and community affairs committees. “If Sam had been home helping our 16-year-old son with his homework or coaching him in football, I doubt Jimmy would be in trouble.”

Jimmy’s academic record is mediocre, he has no talent for sports and few friends. Last week, when he was supposed to be home studying, he “borrowed” their neighbor’s car - and crashed it into a telephone pole.

“Thank God no one was hurt - but Jimmy refused to tell me why he had done this,” Maureen recounts. When she tried to reach Sam, a well-known research scientist, who was out of town on a speaking engagement, he didn’t seem to care.

“Once he found out there were no broken bones, Sam wanted to bow out of the unpleasantness and continue with his lecture tour. He said it would teach Jimmy a lesson if our neighbors did press charges. He finally flew home that night.”

Her marriage to Sam, her college sweetheart, is far different from what she expected. “I thought we had so much in common,” sighs Maureen. “But, over the years, I’ve moved in one direction, and Sam has moved in another. He’s so busy with his research and his lecturing, he has little time for Jimmy and no time for me at all.

“I was a shy, gangly child before a teacher introduced me to tennis,” Maureen explains. “Excelling in sports gave me the confidence I never would have had.” But to everything she suggests, Jimmy turns a deaf ear. “I feel like a single parent,” she says. “I’ve carried the burden of worry about our son for so long that it’s made me sour on my marriage.”

Sam, 43, cares deeply about his son and is dismayed that Jimmy seems to be struggling with so many problems. “But I’m not going to interfere the way my father did to me. I want my son to think that I’m a good guy, not someone who’s trying to live his life for him.”

Sam is still bitter about his own Dad’s insistence that he excel in sports as well as take over the family brokerage business - when he had no interest in any of those things. “My father kept pushing me to shine … and when I said I wanted to be a biologist instead of a broker, he couldn’t stop sputtering.”

Now that his son’s problems have mushroomed, however, Sam realizes how far apart he and Maureen have drifted. “We have to pull together for Jimmy’s sake, but we’ve drifted so far apart, I’m not sure we can agree on anything anymore,” he says.

When a child’s problems divide a couple

“Jimmy’s car accident was a cry for help and attention,” says Marc Snowman, a marriage and family therapist. “It was his way of saying, ‘Hey, guys, what about me?”’

Maureen and Sam have become so involved in their own lives that they’ve spent little time with Jimmy.

When a child has problems, parents are often confused, worried, disappointed and angry - and it’s easy to lose perspective on the best ways to instill self-esteem in that child. Battle-weary, they may interpret the child’s behavior in a consistently negative way - assuming, for instance, that the child is deliberately doing something to annoy them. At the same time, parents may, like Sam and Maureen, blame each other.

How can you accept your child and readjust your focus so that you can work together as a team? The following points will help you look at your child and your marriage through new eyes:

Don’t put your marriage in jeopardy by focusing solely on the child’s problems. While it’s normal and necessary to pour your energies into a solving a problem, you must always keep the relationship a priority.

Hunt for the child’s subtle talents. When a child has problems, it’s easy to overlook his strengths. Actively seek them out.

Work hard to adopt an accepting attitude. Instead of dwelling on the negative side of a child’s behavior or personality, consider its flip side: The child who is easily upset may also be empathetic and sensitive to the feelings of others.

Keep your issues separate from your kids’ issues. Don’t assume you know what your child is thinking or feeling. Take the time to check it out.

Adjust your expectations. Realistic expectations stem from an understanding and acceptance of your youngster’s nature, abilities and developmental level.