Don’T Be Led Around By Nose Ring

Q. My 10-year-old son recently pierced his nose and stuck an earring in by himself. When his father, my ex-husband, found out he was furious, and threatened to withhold child support and never speak to his son again. He even threatened to beat him with a belt. I didn’t think my son had the guts to do this, so I never established a policy on nose rings. I did say I didn’t want any more body piercings after he pierced his ears a year ago. I mentioned the consequences of infection, and what if someone tried to pull it out. I asked him to take the nose ring out because it is making his dad angry. My son refuses to remove it, and his dad is accusing me of being a bad parent. What do I do?

A. Are you being bullied by your ex-husband and now your son? His father can’t withdraw child support without legal consequences, and if he endangers your son, contact Child Protective Service.

Your task is to take charge. Ten-year-olds may talk tough, but underneath they want a parent who is strong enough to take care of them.

In order to establish rules and enforce them, you first must feel personally and passionately committed to a position.

Are you opposed to the nose ring? Base your decision on your beliefs, not on his father’s anger, possible infections or further injuries.

If you oppose the nose ring, think through an enforcement plan.

For example, tell your son, “I’m taking you to the doctor and having the ring taken out safely.” Don’t argue. If you anticipate any trouble, ask a relative or friend to go to the doctor’s with you.

Your son needs you to set firm boundaries and follow though with reasonable consequences.

Q. Recently my 4-year-old daughter said, “Look how fat my legs are.” She is only 45 pounds, tall for her age and far from overweight. I am concerned because of my own challenges with an eating disorder. I thought I was being discreet about it and not talking about it in front of my children. I have a 6-year-old son, and another daughter who is 2. I have struggled with this disorder since I was 14. I am now 30. I am finished having children, which was the main reason I was able to control the bulimia. I would never put my unborn child at risk. Now my struggle has reared its ugly head again. I told my daughter she was being silly and that we both know children are not fat because they are still growing. Do you think this has anything to do with my own problem? I told the kids about my asthma, should I tell them about this? What do I do if this comes up again?

A. There is no reason to suffer or struggle now that treatment is available.

Bulimia is a medical problem. Call the American Anorexia and Bulimia Association (212) 575-6200 for a list of doctors in your area .

Once you gain confidence in controlling the bulimia, you’ll feel less anxious about your daughter’s comments. If it happens again, give her your straightforward opinion. “I don’t see you as fat at all.”

A common myth is to blame eating disorders on a desire to be thin, like society’s models of fashion. Eating disorders are not driven by logic, but are the product of a complex combination of genetic characteristics and neurophysiological dysfunction.

These disorders involve compulsive behavior patterns, and often affect the serotonin delivery system. Anti-depressants which boost the supply of serotonin have shown some success as a treatment for bulimia.

I don’t recommend discussing bulimia with your kids. It would only increase their anxiety about your well being.