Identify Stress Points Before They Take Toll

“Nine months ago, after 22 years of marriage, Mark left me for a younger woman, an administrative assistant in his office,” says Nancy, 43, a bank loan officer and mother of two grown children, Linda, 22, and Michael, 21. “He said we were in a rut and he had to do something different, but he didn’t know what or how.”

For weeks, Nancy couldn’t eat; she cried herself to sleep each night. But then, just as she’d begun to reconcile herself to the situation - she even had a lawyer draw up separation papers, Mark showed up on her doorstep begging forgiveness.

“Mark told me he had made a mistake,” she recalls. “But when I asked if he loved me, he squirmed and said, ‘I’m all mixed up. I just know that I want to come home.’

“Of course I love him, but I can’t stop thinking about Barbie, the other woman. And I can’t just erase all the pain Mark has caused me.”

“During the first few years of our marriage, I didn’t enjoy sex very much, though I never refused him,” Nancy recalls. “But Mark was always so calm and so patient. We never fought about it.” They did, however, have many arguments about chores:

If she asks him to fix something in the house, is it too much to expect him to attend to it sooner rather than later? “Most of the time, Mark forgets entirely what he promised to do,” Nancy complains.

Nancy knew something was wrong a few months ago, when Mark started coming home later and later after work. “Mark had been overlooked for a big promotion,” she remembers. “They hired an outsider with a master’s degree to be his boss. I knew he was upset, but I figured he just needed to blow off steam.”

When he announced that he was leaving, Nancy was flabbergasted. “Mark is the only man I’ve ever loved - and life without him is intolerable,” she says, “but he’s betrayed my trust and made me miserable.”

“I’ve made a complete fool of myself,” concedes Mark, 45. “I jumped from the frying pan into the fire, but if I go back to Nancy, will I be any happier?”

Contrary to what Nancy thinks, his decision to leave wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment one. “My life had gone sour in every way - at work and at home,” Mark explains. “Until they brought in this younger guy over me, I’d had a lot of responsibility and liked my job. Now I hate it.”

At home, he doesn’t feel appreciated, either. “Nancy is so busy with her friends and her committees, she can barely squeeze me in. And she treats me like another household appliance. She expects me to perform instantly. Well, the more she nags, the more I forget to comply. But she’s always been so efficient and orderly, there’s never any room for fun.”

“I know it sounds corny, but Barbie made me feel 22 again,” Mark admits. Still, after a few months, his lover began to pressure him in much the same way his wife had. “Now, I no longer want to stay with Barbie, but if I go home and fall into that same old rut all over again, I’ll go crazy,” Mark says.

Infidelity: Stress points that can threaten any marriage

“Mark’s problem represents a classic midlife crisis, one of several stress points in a marriage that can make any relationship vulnerable to infidelity,” notes Bonnie Ecker-Weil.

Feeling unwanted and useless at work and at home, Mark turned to a younger woman who made him feel appreciated. Had Mark and Nancy been more aware of the stress points in marriage, they might have been better able to understand their feelings and work through problems before Mark looked for an answer in the arms of another woman.

What stress points make a marriage fragile? In her book “Adultery: The Forgivable Sin” (Hastings House, 1994), Dr. Ecker-Weil outlines several scenarios every couple should pay attention to:

Having a baby. A partner may unconsciously fear and resent the intruder, remembering how he felt when a sibling appeared on the scene to elbow him aside.

Job loss. Many of us have our self-esteem tied to our work status and when we fail at that, everything seems to break down.

Change in status. When one partner retires or another goes back to work after time off to care for children, the delicate balance in a marriage shifts as we each expect ourselves and our partners to take on new roles and responsibilities.

Midlife. As Mark and Nancy discovered, simply hitting this stage in life can provoke a crisis.