More Important Rule Should Prevail
Dear Miss Manners: In my work, I do a fair amount of transoceanic travel. I note that you disapprove of women repairing their makeup in the cabin space.
However, as you stress, manners are designed to convenience others. Flights for Europe leave in the evening, and arrive in the morning, while flights to Asia are so lengthy that the traveler passes through night and day (even though it never gets dark outside). As the flight attendant awakes passengers about 40 minutes prior to landing on these long flights, I never fail to see men lined up to use the lavatory. They wait and wait.
After about 15 minutes, women emerge from the lavatories fully made up and refreshed. The men, clearly distressed by this time, look disgruntled, but don’t really address the issue at hand, which is, when there is limited lavatory space, wouldn’t it be more considerate for women to complete their grooming while in their assigned seat? As a traveling woman stuck on a plane, I figure the rules need to change to suit the context.
Gentle Reader: Ah, Miss Manners sees that you are venturing into the higher reaches of etiquette. Far from opposing you - and too polite to point out that she was there ahead of you - she will be delighted to show you how etiquette accommodates this apparent contradiction.
This isn’t a question of changing the rules, but of weighing conflicting ones and choosing the more important one.
Yes, there is a rule against making up one’s face in public. Alas, nowadays there even needs to be a specific one about transportation, because people are commonly mistaking buses for their bathrooms.
There is also a rule about sharing common facilities with regard to fairness and consideration to others. We still need that one, too.
Rather than revoking either rule, she will prompt the exercise of judgment by pointing out that exposing one’s beauty routines, although it may offend others, offends them less seriously than does hogging the bathroom when they need to use it.
Therefore, she allows overnight passengers to freshen themselves up (within reason - more judgment required here) at their seats.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I enjoy entertaining and often invite new acquaintances over for dinner, either as part of a dinner party or for a quiet evening with us to get to know them better. The last two times, the immediate response to “We’d like to have you and your spouse for dinner” has been, “Why don’t we go out to dinner?”
Is this a new trend? Is it that people don’t want to or can’t reciprocate so they feel if we go out, all is even?
Truthfully, I can’t afford it. Yet, I’m reluctant to admit I’m broke and can entertain them at home for a lot less than at a restaurant.
I responded, “Well, I like to cook so why don’t you just come over?” but I’m not sure I’m handling it correctly. How can I respond without seeming like I’m knocking the wind out of their sails?
Gentle Reader: After they’ve just knocked it out of yours?
Yes, we have several unfortunate trends here: the presumption that an invitation to visit someone is an opener for the guest to negotiate a different deal; the failure to understand that it is more of an honor to be asked to someone’s home than simply to dine together in a public facility; and the fear of incurring an obligation to offer hospitality.
Miss Manners shares your suspicion that these people do not entertain and therefore would like to see you without being obligated to reciprocate. But she thinks you have answered them very well and hopes that your example will encourage your friends to appreciate and perhaps even offer hospitality.