You Are Obligated To This Path
Q. I’ve been married for five years to a guy with a drinking problem. He is finally in rehab. My parents and the rehab counselors tell me I have to stay and be supportive. But, you know what? I’ve had enough. Perhaps there’s just too much water under the bridge.
We have a 2-1/2-year-old daughter. I just want to get a clean start in my life and move upstate. My parents tell me I’m wrong, but I feel I have a right to my own life. What do you think?
A. There are some paths which, when first taken, obligate you. This is one of those paths. It’s interesting that many spouses or family members decide to “give up” on somebody just when they’re finally doing something to get better. Somehow, the problem time is experienced as more secure or comfortable than the growth time. That’s generally because the partner, in this case you, finally comes to recognize their own fear of closeness, their own personal anxieties, and so forth. Running away from introspection and change is the ticket to avoiding yourself and your problems.
Furthermore, your daughter requires her dad in her life. Assuming your husband is working hard at changing, it is morally unconscionable to disrupt the relationship between a functioning parent and his or her child. You two are bonded together forever through your child.
Perhaps you will benefit from professional intervention during this difficult transition.
Q. My grandfather, an Orthodox and very religious Jew, is upset with me because I have an organ-donor sticker on my driver’s license. He says I may be compromising my atonement after death because my body would be mutilated. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I feel strongly about donating my organs. Is he right? What should I do?
A. Although there are some who share your grandfather’s concern, it is not the predominant Jewish position. Although it is forbidden to mutilate a corpse, these prohibitions can be set aside to save a life. Many rabbinic authorities also consider it meritorious to donate eyes, after death, for the purpose of corneal transplanting - a non-life-and-death issue.
Clearly, organ transplant technology was unknown in the biblical era. As we confront modern times, with new ethical, moral and legal challenges, we have to rely on general religious principles to make decisions. In that regard, Jewish tradition holds the preservation of life as most sacred. Have your rabbi gather more information on the current Jewish position, including that of Israel’s head rabbi, so your grandfather can have peace about this issue.
Q. My daughter is in middle school. They are having an end-of-the-year dance. However, it will include low lighting and slow dancing. I think this is completely inappropriate for 12-year-old children. I am frustrated with parents whining about kids and sex, while they turn around and set up social events that mimic adult behavior.
After the dance, which is around midday, the kids will go to a water park. I feel bad about my daughter having to be left out of this activity because of the dance. What should I do?
A. I could not agree with you more about the inappropriateness of such dance events for young children. If the school remains adamant on the style of the dance (dark room and close dancing), tell your daughter to get her bathing suit ready for the water-park part of the festivities!