Help Child Build Strong Character

Q. I owe you this letter of apology. After calling you on your radio program I thought your feedback was simplistic. I was wrong. Your insight was right.

Here’s what happened. I told you we had bought a condo for my daughter while she went to college. We were paying all her expenses. After trying to reach her on several nights, late, she finally admitted she sometimes stayed late at her boyfriend’s house to study - but no sex. She further informed me that since she was an adult now, we didn’t have any right to ask, know, or direct her life.

You told me that too many young people try this maneuver - wanting the independence and power of an adult while in the comfort of a dependent position. You told me we should lovingly inform her that “the buck stops here,” and her independence begins. I spoke with my therapist about this, and she thought it was too severe.

Well, we came to find out my daughter was sleeping with her boyfriend most of the week and that very little effort was going into school. As you had advised, I told her that, while I didn’t agree with her choices, I accepted her as an adult who could make her own decisions. If she wished to behave like an independent adult, she needed to take on the responsibilities, too.

We took back the condo and informed her that school finances would now be her problem. We told her we loved her and that we would always be there for her, but that she’d flown the nest. She became very angry that she’d have to get a job now. It was actually laughable, and sad, to realize how spoiled her mentality was.

I apologize for taking so much time to see the error of my ways. It’s sad how afraid we are of our kids’ disapproval and unhappiness. I was wrong. I have to teach her responsibility. Thank you. - Seattle

A. Thank you. It is curious, as you pointed out, how we’ve changed from a society that attempts to make its children self-sufficient and responsible at a young age to a society that worships our children’s comfort and happiness at the expense of their character development. I’m glad you “got with the program.”

Q. I’m getting ready to get married and have a parent problem. Some years ago they divorced. No real reasons - just bored with each other and wanting freedom. My dad found a new lady and is happily married. My mother doesn’t have anybody.

My mother tells me she’s uncomfortable coming to the wedding and sitting with my dad and his new wife. I think she expects me to ask my dad to leave his wife home or something equally mean and unacceptable. I’m really angry at my mother for putting me in this mess when I’m supposed to be happy about my wedding. I don’t know what to do to satisfy everybody’s feelings. Suggestions? - Dallas

A. If there were severe abuse, frequent affairs, horrible addictions, I could understand the desire of the injured party not to have to share equal billing. In your parents’ situation, they gave up on their vows and commitment because of ennui. That your mother doesn’t have a new fellow, and your father has a new lady, is not sufficient reason to cater to your mother’s jealousy, resentment, or even wishfulness for things to be back where they were.

Tell your mother you regret she’s alone, but that the point of getting together is your nuptials. Tell her you’re counting on her to cope with her many feelings for that day so you can have a memorable wedding. Tell her you love her and are hoping for a display of strength similar to that which she correctly brought you up to demonstrate.