Follow ‘Thank Yous’ With Pleading
Dear Miss Manners: As a result of a recent hiking accident, I have been on crutches, and my mobility is limited for a time. A number of kind people in my office have offered to help me with various errands and I have called upon them occasionally in such a way as I hope is not unnecessarily imposing.
The other day, when one of them mentioned that she would be going to the post office, I asked her if she could please bring me five stamps - my expectation being that I would reimburse her, as had been the case when she previously picked up my vacation pictures. To my amazement, she refused to accept the $2 I sought to give her, stating that her policy with friends is to “share and share alike” and that the money is not important.
I explained that I appreciated her friendship in taking on the task, but that I did not additionally expect her to bear expenses on my behalf. This is particularly true as I earn more than she does.
My view is that if I do not pay, I have an outstanding debt. Her view is that this is no debt, and she continues to refuse the money. What do the rules of etiquette provide in this situation?
Gentle Reader: This is a duel of courtesy. And although Miss Manners prefers this kind to the duels of rudeness with which she is usually faced, she admits they are hard to resolve.
When it is rudeness against rudeness, both are wrong. When it is courtesy against courtesy, both are right, but one is more right than the other and must make sure of winning.
In this case, it is you. Polite people should graciously accept presents and favors, only being careful to reciprocate when the occasion arises. But they must be scrupulous about not incurring debts through their own requests.
The winning argument is to plead, after profuse thanks: “You would be doing me a kindness by accepting this. If you don’t allow me to pay you back, I would never feel free to ask you such a favor again.”
Dear Miss Manners: The videographer at a wedding reception I recently attended had a projecting microphone - the kind that picks up what is being said from across a football field. What purpose does that kind of spying serve?
I noticed him filming me as I was telling my daughter the washroom was not only dirty, but out of toilet tissue. Nice talk to capture on a wedding video for the couple!
I suspect he broke some kind of anti-surveillance law, and I feel this was a total invasion of everyone’s privacy. Although I asked him to turn it off, the video viewers may also hear my complaint. Maybe you won’t find it a breach of etiquette - but at least warn your readers they’re on candid commentary as well as on camera!
Gentle Reader: You can debate whether this is or should be illegal, but you can’t expect Miss Manners to debate whether it is proper to embarrass one’s guests.
She can’t even take satisfaction in the certainty that doing so is bound to embarrass the hosts even more, and spoil the souvenir for which they sacrificed their guests’ privacy and dignity. No bridal couples should have to hear their guests’ truly candid comments. There is always someone at a wedding who can’t wait to get home before indulging in amazed speculation about what the bride sees in the bridegroom or he in her.