An Open Line Mothers Must Initiate Honest Conversations Early In Their Daughters’ Lives

Mothers who want an honest conversation with their teenage daughters should start talking. And listening.

Years in advance.

The learn-how-to-communicate message is the basis of psychologist Lynda Madison’s “Keep Talking, a Mother-Daughter Guide to the Pre-Teen Years.”

Basically the book is written for mothers and preteen daughters to sit down and read together,” Madison said in a phone interview from Omaha, Neb. “It’s an excuse for them to talk to each other about some of the important things the daughters are going to face.”

Madison, a Cleveland-area native and 1975 graduate of Ohio State University, lives in Omaha, where she is in a private practice and directs Family Support and Psychological Services at Children’s Memorial Hospital.

Her book doesn’t just spell out those difficult mother-daughter topics. Instead, it offers girls age 9-13 and their mothers some hypothetical situations to discuss, and questions to ask each other. Such constructive conversations now can help families avoid destructive and heated arguments when hot topics arise later.

“The majority of the book is spent on communications issues and helping to put Mom in the role of a resource and guide for the daughters,” Madison said.

A magazine article about shoplifting may lead to a discussion of handling peer pressure. A mother may surprise her daughter by talking about peer pressure she has experienced, not only as a teenager but as a parent as well. A daughter may surprise her mom by describing how she handled a difficult situation with a friend at school.

You can find out more about where your daughter is coming from when you aren’t talking directly about her,” Madison said. By talking about peer pressure in general, parents can learn a lot more from their children than they would if they sat them down cold and said, “OK, spill it. Tell me what you’ve been up to.”

The book’s practice discussions guide mothers and daughters in talking about handling bad moods and filtering through the Hollywood and Madison Avenue messages.

“Some of those messages aimed at girls are pretty destructive: ‘You need to be thin. You need to be tan. You need to be attractive. You need to have a boyfriend to be a whole person.’ It’s a difficult time for girls.”

Madison said she was motivated to write the book after seeing parent-child strife in her practice for 15 years and knowing that her two daughters were approaching the preteen years.

“What I see in my practice is that no matter how strained the relationship is and how much they are arguing and how much communication has broken down, when I talk to the parent and kid separately, they each want the same thing: They want that relationship with each other. They want the daughter to grow up to be happy, healthy, and get the most out of the world. But they haven’t been able to communicate and negotiate so that everyone feels they are on the same side.

“That’s why they end up in therapy. A lot of preventative things can be done.”

Parents have become complacent about talking with their children about important issues for several reasons, she said. Some assume the important messages are being hammered home at school. Others wrongly assume that 12-year-olds today are more wise to the ways of the world than those of a generation ago.

“They’re not,” Madison said. “They don’t have any more cognitive abilities than we did to filter through some of this.

“We also tend to think we’re communicating when we pass each other in the kitchen and ask, ‘Do you have your homework done?’ Really, it takes some effort.”

MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: Tips for mothers of daughters Take advantage of spontaneous times to talk at the dinner table, when driving or when saying “good night.” Check your timing. Don’t try to tackle an issue if you are in a hurry, agitated or preoccupied. Avoid such discussions when the child may be embarrassed because others may overhear. Don’t be afraid to ask, “How’s school? How’s life? What’s happening in your math class?” “Are you happy?” “Do you have friends?” “What’s the gossip?” Don’t give up trying to talk just because your daughter rolls her eyes a couple of times. Don’t think she wants no contact with you just because she asks you to drop her off a block from school. Check your own reactions to what the child is saying. You may end up doing what she expects if you act annoyed or angry. Don’t trivialize a child’s problems by making jokes or giving flip solutions such as, “Oh, just find a new friend.” When she tells about a problem, wait before reacting. Ask for more information, such as her feelings about the situation. Give supportive feedback such as, “It sounds like you have some tough choices to make,” or “It sounds like you did the best you could.” Finally, ask, “How can I help?” That lets you know whether she is seeking advice or merely wants to use you as a sounding board.