Lighten Up; I’M Sure They Mean Well

Dear Miss Manners: It distresses me to receive mail addressed to both myself and my husband as Mr. and Mrs.

(insert husband’s full name).

I know, historically, this has been the proper means of addressing a husband and wife, but it makes me feel insignificant - as if my sole identity were as my husband’s wife and not as a person in my own right. To complicate matters, I have a Ph.D. and, therefore, should technically be addressed as Dr. Jones instead of Mrs. Jones. Optimally, I would like correspondence to be addressed to Dr. Jane and Mr. John Jones, or more simply, to Jane and John Jones.

Is there anyway to respectfully change the manner in which people address their correspondence to us, without causing any discomfort on the part of the letter writer? Or did I give up my right to having a name of my own when I adopted my husband’s last name as mine?

Gentle Reader: If it really makes you feel insignificant to have well-meaning people address you by the traditional forms of the society - obviously out of ignorance of your particular wishes and without the least intention to offend - you have given up more than your right and your name. Miss Manners is afraid that you have given up your self-respect.

It is not that she opposes your belief that you should be addressed as you wish - by those who happen to know and remember what it is you wish. But by claiming this privilege for yourself, you must grant it to others. And that means not only addressing them as they wish, but realizing that you cannot declare yours the only proper system and then go into a decline because others don’t like it.

Miss Manners doesn’t, for one. She will never condone the ugly solution of wiping out all titles of courtesy, although she dislikes the social flaunting of a Ph.D. And while she agrees that married ladies need more of an identity than tradition allowed, “Dr. Jane and Mr. John” sound to her like comic characters making spectacles of themselves.

Perhaps one of these days Miss Manners will update the old standardized system properly, just to prevent all that unnecessary annoyance which you seem to be turning into anguish. This is a professional job, and not a simple one. And in the meantime, she would appreciate it if everyone would refrain taking advantage of the chaos to offer and take unnecessary offense.

Dear Miss Manners: The neighbors who live behind our home are perfectly nice and really very friendly. However, they have just recently installed stereo speakers in their back yard and continually play loud, blaring, boisterous music, which we can hear from inside our house. This has become a rather vexatious issue in our home because we can not get a moment of peace.

How can we hint to them that their music is thoroughly disturbing to our family? We have considered many ideas, but they all seem really rather contemptuous.

Gentle Reader: Exactly what would a contemptuous hint be? Never mind. Miss Manners doesn’t really want to learn this interesting form. Anyway, as you are good enough to realize, you don’t want to deliver one to people who are perfectly nice and really very friendly. Not even when they are blasting you out of house and home.

The point to bear in mind, if you can hear yourself think, is that they do not mean to provoke you. And that as they are nice people, they must therefore be ignorant of this effect and eager to correct it once it is brought to their attention.

Do not leave things until you work yourself into a fury. The law is there if etiquette fails, but problem-solving is easier when both sides assume good will. Miss Manners does not guarantee that a kindly, “I’m afraid you don’t realize how your music system carries” will prompt apologies and action, but it will provide an atmosphere in which to deal with the problem in a civilized fashion.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate