Couples Learn To Work Together

Q. If you don’t have sex with your partner until after you’re married and it turns out that the sex is bad, wouldn’t it have been better to know this beforehand? - Dayton, Ohio

A. It would be very sad indeed if we each went around having one-night stands to pick a partner for life. It is not unusual for married couples to have to work together to learn each other’s bodies and preferences and build toward satisfying sex. When people have the commitment to love, honor and cherish, it is amazing how those non-foreplay concepts add to the ultimate sexual pleasure.

Q. When I was in high school I was sexually active with a boyfriend. At one point I thought I was pregnant. He gave me money for an abortion, and we broke up. It turned out I was not pregnant and never told him. I kept the money and kept on going.

Today I am 32 years old. I am married and far from being the jerk I was then. I regret deeply misleading this young man on such a serious issue. He is a professor, married with kids. I bumped into him at the mall. I think it would matter to him whether he had an abortion on his conscience or not. Do I look him up and tell him the truth after all these years? - Anaheim, Calif.

A. You said you “thought” you were pregnant. That he didn’t stay around to help, worry or care shows his lack of character and maturity at the time. His abandonment is not irrelevant just because you were only teenagers.

It is not a bad idea, however, to guess that he might have more spiritual depth at this point in his life; telling him there was no abortion might indeed be a relief to him.

I would also suggest that you take the money he gave you at that time and donate it to a religiously-oriented adoption agency for unwed teens. Let him know you did that, then let yourself have peace.

Q. I used to be a 50-year-old kid. My favorite game was “waiting to be discovered.” Win the lottery, become a hero, make a hit record, anything that would bring me the recognition I deserved. I was, after all, bright, articulate and hard working.

I was also way too outspoken, unfocused and filled with anger.

After 20 very rocky years of marriage, my wife and I found ourselves with a rebellious 15-year-old son and a relationship that had fallen apart. We both came from abusive families: Hers was psychologically abusive, mine verbally.

Years of counseling had really accomplished nothing. I had decided to divorce (if things didn’t get better). Then I began to realize that my problems could be overcome with a stiff dose of character.

As good as my pastors, teachers and counselors had been, none of them had ever gotten that through to me. I finally began to hear my wife and my therapist and to judge myself more realistically.

We are still in counseling, and I still have a lot of work to do, but we have finally made several major breakthroughs, and I now know that we are going to make it. Thank you for helping show me how to do the right thing. - Jenks, Okla.

A. You obviously were committed to this marriage and therefore were open to perspectives which would help you face the truths that needed attention. It is true that we can pay too much attention to “feelings” and not enough to “obligations.” When we own up to our limitations and responsibilities, it is amazing how much more we find to give. Congratulations.

xxxx

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