Ann’s ‘Help’: Get A Vasectomy

Dear Ann Landers: Recently, I read in The Washington Post about a situation where maybe you can help. Please, Ann, consider it. Here’s the news story:

Police are searching for a bigger home for a Largo, Fla., man, his 22 children and two of their mothers after finding all 25 living in a two-bedroom, one-bath house.

The two mothers are sisters who have taken the man’s last name even though neither is married to him. One is the mother of nine of his children, the other the mother of five. A third sister, who no longer lives with the family, is the mother of the other eight children, police said.

Police said they discovered the family while investigating an unrelated complaint in the neighborhood. They said the family was not breaking any laws and appealed to the public to help them find a house with five or more bedrooms they could afford.

Ann, according to the dictionary, “bigamy” means to marry a second time while knowing the first marriage is legally still in effect. No marriages means no crime. Am I right about this? Please respond in the paper, Ann. That man in Largo needs your help. - Dismayed in Va.

Dear Dismayed: The man in Largo did not ask for my help, and it’s just as well. I would have been tempted to give him more “help” than he bargained for. He seems to think his problem would be solved if he had a bigger house. In my opinion, what he really needs is a vasectomy.

Dear Ann Landers: I own a small but profitable business and have made it a practice to give annual bonuses based on time served and category of salaries. I’ve been doing this for 16 years. Only two employees ever said “thank you.” Those two are no longer with me. One passed away, and the other took early retirement.

I have decided to give no bonuses this year. Of course, there will be questions because my employees have come to expect that midyear gift. I am prepared to give this brief response: “There will be no bonuses this year because not one employee has taken the time and trouble to say ‘thank you.”’

Please print my letter and your reaction to my decision. - Philadelphia

Dear Phil.: Congratulations for having the courage to put an end to the handouts. For years, I have been receiving letters from aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends who want to know what to do about gifts that are not acknowledged. I suggest they ask if the gift was received since there is always the possibility that it was lost in transit.

In your case, however, that possibility does not exist. I applaud your bravery and hope others who own small businesses will follow your example. People who can’t crank up the energy to say “thank you” should not continue to be gifted and let off the hook.

Dear Ann Landers: Robert M. Hutchins, a truly brilliant man (he became president of the University of Chicago at age 29), made this pronouncement: “We have triumphantly invented, perfected and distributed to the humblest cottage throughout the land one of the greatest technical marvels in history, television. And for what? To bring Coney Island into every home.” Do you agree, Ann? - J.H.E.

Dear J.H.E.: Hutchins was indeed brilliant, but TV has improved enormously since he made that statement. He would be astonished if he could see what splendid fare TV offers today, especially on public broadcasting.