Forethought Eases Dealings With Difficult People

After slaving long and hard on a project, a co-worker takes credit for your work.

You confide in a friend only to find out she blurted your secret to everyone you know, complete with exaggerated details.

A merciless customer verbally assaults a sales clerk because the line is temporarily held up as she changes the register tape.

These situations may be enough reason to pummel someone on the Jerry Springer show, but for the more demure set, difficult people can be handled with grace and poise.

If you need help getting started, local “life coaches” and an upcoming seminar can help. So can a new book.

“High Maintenance Relationships: How to Handle Impossible People,” by Les Parrott III, Ph.D., details 16 high-maintenance relationships and how to handle them.

The Critic is the most common example. “They are the nit-picking boss, co-worker, business partner, acquaintance, friend and family member who second-guess your decisions and take pride in pointing out your mistakes,” Parrott writes.

The Critic is judgmental and ready to categorize people by their failures instead of achievements. Perhaps it’s the retail clerk in a fancy store, ignoring you because you lack a full face of makeup and Liz Claiborne suit on your day off work. Or the angry customer who assumes you can’t handle an elementary task simply because you’re “the person who answers the phones.”

The second most difficult relationship Parrott cites is The Martyr, who typically feels like the world is a party to which they weren’t invited. They’re miserable and wallow in self-pity.

Ever heard a person incessantly whine about having the crummiest job in town but who doesn’t seek other employment? Or how about people who constantly complain about their horrible relationship but do nothing about it?

The third most common unpleasant relationship, with the Wet Blanket, can extract the very life from you. Rejection reigns with this person, who exudes negativity.

Even in the most triumphant moments, Wet Blankets will find something negative to latch onto. If you get a raise, they say it’s not enough. Or maybe you get engaged, and instead of sharing your happy moment, Wet Blankets point out that “your ring could be bigger” or “it took him long enough.”

The danger of the Wet Blanket, Parrott writes, is that bad attitudes are highly contagious.

“Their demeanor usually creates stress and breeds negativism in others,” Parrott writes.

Sound familiar? Not only are these situations unpleasant, but the stress they create can result in poor health. Experts in heart/brain dynamics at Bay Area-based The Institute at HeartMath, say the heart reacts to brain functions, depending on our emotional states, placing undue stress on that vital blood-pumping organ.

Do you really want to let someone who already hurts your feelings jeopardize your health, too?

The institute will hold a seminar in Spokane next week on some of these issues. But if you can’t attend, Parrott’s advice is useful, too.

It’s easy to tune out The Critic when you’re sick of getting dumped on. But, Parrott writes, think about what they say before dismissing it.

Critics inevitably will make valid points, so process their concerns before dismissing them.

As for Martyrs, “nothing you can do or say will change their predicament. … They just know they are getting the raw deal,” and they feel so helpless that they don’t make efforts to change their lives, writes Parrott.

Your involvement with a Martyr can cause definite unrest. Their constant haranguing sucks energy from those around them, so stock up on sleep and positive energy if you anticipate dealing with a Martyr. (Remember: Your health is at stake!)

Wet Blankets put out fires and passions. Can they temporarily discourage you? Yes. But don’t let Wet Blankets stifle your dreams by drilling negative ideas into your head, Parrott writes.

Any high-maintenance relationship can be handled, but it isn’t about doing something; it’s about being something - a better person. It’s about “taking the high road and choosing to love impossible people,” he writes.

Love is a strong word for someone who totally annoys you. But if you can make an effort to become more patient, compassionate, honest, and willing to extend grace and forgive, you can make the best of these experiences.

But before trying to embrace all who exhibit bad behavior, examine the worth of the relationship, says Spokane life coach Reed Daugherity, who has a master’s degree in counseling from Arizona University. If it’s the sales clerk in a store, blow it off.

“When there’s nothing to wager, one can leave. You have the choice of exiting,” he said.

If the relationship is closer (a co-worker, family member) you need to have it out to break the cycle in a calm, civilized manner. Create an environment where you can talk in private, perhaps over lunch, Daugherity says. Then offer something along these lines: “I value our (friendship, collegueship) very much. May I offer some feedback?”

Identify their specific transgression, then tell them how it makes you feel.

If you can build a bridge through feedback, honesty and feelings, it can breed trust, respect and a healthy, communicative relationship, Daugherity says.

And hey, can’t we all just get along?

, DataTimes MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: SEMINAR SCHEDULED HeartMath will offer a Heart Empowerment Seminar from 9 a.m.-5 p.m. Saturday at the SIRTI Building, 665 N. Riverpoint Blvd., for $85. Call 624-7685 to register or for more information.