You Don’t Have To Tell Them

Sat., March 21, 1998

Dr. Laura Schlessinger New York

Q. I am 50 and have children ages 26 and 23. When I was 19 and unmarried I had a child whom I put up for adoption. I have had no contact with that child but am listed with Adoptees’ Liberty Movement Association in case he wants to find me.

My family (mom, dad, brothers, husband) all know about this but my two children do not. Do I tell them? I have fears they will reject me or worse.

I also am afraid they will eventually hear about it from someone else. - Atlanta, Ga.

A. First of all, I wonder what is it you feel would be “worse” than rejection. Secondly, you must believe that you are bad and deserving of punishment or were a rotten mother and your children already dislike you. Why else would you hesitate to admit that 31 years ago you used bad judgment in getting pregnant, but showed character in choosing not to abort or to relegate your child to a life with a single, teen mother?

I honor your courage in going through with the adoption. And don’t underestimate the love in your children’s hearts.

If, at 31, your biological son has still not made contact, perhaps it’s because he is content with the parents he’s had. I suggest you take that as a compliment and a blessing. There is no need to tell your children something that is unlikely to be a factor in their lives. This is not keeping a “dirty secret”; this is an issue of privacy for your son and yourself.

Q. Three years ago, when I was 22, I fell in love with a 32-year-old woman with three children. At the time she was separated, and eventually got a divorce. I never moved in with her, but spent a lot of time with her and was sexually intimate.

During Christmas of 1994 I let her use my credit card to provide gifts for her children and to have her furnace fixed. She agreed to pay the monthly bill until it was paid off.

The children had a very good Christmas. She spent $2,000 on them and $1,000 for the furnace. Now I live 700 miles from her; we’re still friends and she still owes me $2,000. Should I expect her to continue to pay the bill or just look at this as an expensive learning experience? - Charlotte, N.C.

A. The latter, unless you’re willing to spend the time in small claims court. It is sad that some people believe their anger and frustrations entitle them to abuse others. You must understand that a 32-year-old woman does not see a 22-year-old man as an equal or as an adequate suitor; she generally sees him as naively solicitous, innocently generous, sexually appealing and generally pliable.

Q. Three years ago I met the woman of my dreams, a wonderful young lady I grew to love. We had planned to tie the knot later this year. Two days ago my fiancee dropped a bombshell: She had performed in several stag films while in college so that she could pay her tuition. She was forthright with me and even rented and showed me one of the films she had “acted” in.

I was crushed. Although my fiancee swears that she has “buried” the porn star of five years ago, I cannot imagine her as a lifetime mate or the mother of my children. Should I break off our relationship or give her a break? - Tampa, Fla.

A. My concern would be whether any prospective partner still viewed the making of porn videos as a valid response to financial need, that is, whether his or her values were dependent on circumstance and opportunity. It is possible that she has truly taken responsibility, repented and changed. Perhaps you need more time to make this decision.

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Dr. Laura Schlessinger New York Times Special Features

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