Bringing Sibling Rivals To A Truce
Q. I have two boys who are four years apart, ages 3 and 7. We have a sibling rivalry problem. Our older child sees the younger one as a “baby” who wrecks all his toys. This creates anger in the 3-year-old who then lashes out because he can’t put his feelings into words. I have tried to let them work it out on their own, but it’s difficult for me to always stay out of it. Any ideas how to handle this?
A. The guiding principle is to step in when the ages or personalities result in an unfair match-up of power. Your goal is to prevent one sibling from being physically or psychologically dominated by the other.
When conflicts turn to demeaning words or the use of force, take action.
State the rule, “We don’t hurt others.” Separate them until you’re able to put another strategy into play.
Offer your 7-year-old rewards for learning to use constructive ways to protect his play from his brother. Each time he uses one of these methods to resolve the problems he earns money, treats or privileges.
The diplomatic strategy: He offers his brother a few toys to play with, while protecting his favorite ones.
The territorial solution: He keeps his favorite playthings off the floor and out of reach of his brother.
The mentor solution: He teaches his brother how to use his sports equipment, computer game or toys. This earns a double reward.
The cooperative solution: He invites his brother to join him in an activity they both enjoy. This earns a triple reward.
There are preventive steps you can take that often help reduce conflict.
Invite playmates over for each boy frequently. Ensure some privacy for the older boys.
Pay your 7-year-old to read a book to his brother. This teaches him that having a younger brother has some financial advantages, it’s not all bad news. Reward your 3- year-old for being a good listener.
Plan to give each boy some undivided attention. Let each child choose how you spend time together. When all else fails, serve cookies.
Q. My son is 3 and still in pull-up diapers. They aren’t very comfortable because he’s quite large for his age. We’ve tried everything in the past six months to get him into underwear and he’s still not interested. What should we do?
A. Don’t worry about his preference for pull-ups. You want to avoid having the underwear issue become a battleground.
Some kids prefer the friendly security of diapers, even after they’re using the potty. There is wide agreement that letting kids be in charge of the timing of their potty habits is the most effective method.
Letting him be in charge doesn’t prevent you from using strategies that could motivate him to change to underwear. Invite a few playmates over who would make good role models. Kids often copy their playmates.
Reward him for any time he spends wearing underwear. The purpose of the reward is to associate underwear with a positive meaning, to replace the negative perception that he’s losing his familiar pull-ups.
Remember, don’t sweat the small stuff. He’s in an exciting stage of developmental gains, which is big stuff. Focus on ways to encourage and support his progress.
He’s making intellectual leaps, recognizing letters, words, and learning the meaning of new phrases. His use of language is rapidly developing, and he’s learning to express his needs and desires. His coordination is improving and he’s learning to master new physical skills.
He’s gaining control over his emotional ups and downs, dealing with frustration and disappointment. He’s learning to follow rules, how to be a good playmate, how to share and take turns. Focus on having fun helping him grow.
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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Cathleen Brown The Spokesman-Review