Cheap Seats
He’s not wild about Harry’s sub
Chicago Tribune columnist Bernie Lincicome doesn’t like the Cubs’ idea of honoring late broadcaster Harry Caray by having guests each game lead the Wrigley Field crowd in singing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” during the seventh-inning stretch, which was Caray’s trademark.
Instead, advises Lincicome: “Get some pitching, not a Harry substitute.”
Not ready to join Harry yet
Cincinnati Reds’ broadcaster Joe Nuxhall, who in 1944 became the youngest major leaguer in history at age 15, was surprised last week to see an advertisement in a recent issue of the magazine “Sports Collectors Digest.”
Particularly because it touted an upcoming auction that included one of his game-worn jerseys with the caption, “Joe’s feat was brought to light again last year with his untimely death.”
Cracked broadcast partner Marty Brennaman, “Well, this explains a lot.”
On a scale of 1 to 10, they’re zeroes
Attention fans of lovable losers everywhere. To those who have suffered with the NFL’s Cardinals, died with the Cubs, cried with the Red Sox and anguished over the Blackhawks, take heart. There are people out there who not only feel your pain, but measure it.
It’s called the Futility Index Ratings. Devised by two lawyers, it ranks the haplessness of professional sports franchises and promises to settle more tavern arguments than a barkeep with a Louisville Slugger.
As you might have guessed, the Chicago Cubs, who haven’t won a World Series since 1908, are the most futile franchise in professional sports.
The dubious “champion” of the NBA is the Rochester/Cincinnati/Kansas City/Sacramento Kings. In the NHL, it’s the Chicago Blackhawks.
And the NFL champions? The Chicago/St. Louis/ Arizona Cardinals, who haven’t won a title since 1947.
The index came from the minds of Rick Climan and Eric Reifschneider, two California-based lawyers.
Here is how the formula works:
The chances of a team not winning a championship in a given year is (n-1)/n, with “n” being the number of teams in a league. You multiply that fraction again and again for every season a team doesn’t win. Then, take the reciprocal and you have the Futility Index.
Got that?
Don’t feel bad, just take the word of Climan, a Harvard grad, and Reifschneider, a former math major at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. They also had their formula checked by mathematicians.
It figures lawyers would create a misery index.
A real team player
Give Dave Hollins a new nickname: The Fall Guy. Jim Edmonds, who sat out an exhibition victory over the Cubs because of a twisted knee, complained about a strike call, and umpire Gary Darling came over to the dugout in the fourth inning to investigate.
“The ump said, ‘Who said that? Who said that?”’ Hollins said. “I said, ‘Uh, I did.’ He said, ‘OK, you’re gone.’ I said, ‘Thank you.”’
Hollins was ejected and got to take the rest of the afternoon off, which, considering the 85-degree temperatures, wasn’t so bad.
“I’m a team player,” protested Hollins. “I didn’t want to lose Jimmy.”
The last word …
“I was just going to get in his face. I would have spoken Lithuanian to him, a little ghetto Russian.”
- Miami Heat’s P.J. Brown on what he thought about doing after Cleveland’s Zydrunas Ilgauskas wrapped his arms around Brown and threw him to the court.
, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo