Money Talks Sensitivity Has Nothing To Do With It; Women Want Security, Stability

John Gray got it wrong. According to the author of the best-selling “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” series, in the Good Old Days women wanted a man who could provide them a secure lifestyle and who could be a good father. In the liberated ‘90s, however, women want a man who is romantic, sensitive and understanding.

I want to know what planet Mr. Gray lives on. Ask any man that is romantic, sensitive and understanding and he’ll tell you that women want a man who will be a good provider and father. Regardless of how much women may talk about romance and sensitivity in a man, stability and security still seem to play the biggest role when women are husband-hunting. And my best friend has ample proof of this fact, having been passed over by more women than he cares to remember.

My friend, a 39-year-old Ph.D. candidate, comes to me for consultation and commiseration every time his romantic ambitions fall apart. Needless to say, we talk a lot. His love life follows a repeating cycle that leaves him confused and dismayed. He meets an intelligent, charming, attractive woman who shows interest in him. But as he gets to know her, she confides in him that she’s looking for someone else. She’s got her eyes set on one of those hungry, upwardly-mobile types, a real corporate ladder climber.

Trouble is, Mr. Upwardly Mobile is something of a jerk. “Why,” she asks my friend, “can’t I find a guy who’s kind, understanding, sensitive and passionate? A guy just like you?” My friend sits dumbfounded. Is this woman blind or what? He wants to cry out, “Hey, I’m a guy just like me! And I like you!” But he says nothing.

“Why,” my friend asks, “can’t I meet a woman who likes me?” He wonders aloud what women really want. “Women always say they want a nice guy, but they always go after the rich guys. Which do they really want?” He looks at me and shakes his head.

To help me unravel this enigma and sort out this confusion, I decided to consult an expert on women my wife. “Women,” she explains, “do want romance and sensitivity, but they can’t ignore the money thing either.” I thank her for reaffirming the mystery. “Look,” she says, “in a perfect world, if a woman wanted a romantic, sensitive guy, she’d get him. But this isn’t a perfect world.”

I wonder what the shape of the world has to do with male/female dynamics. My wife rolls her eyes and tries again. “Consider a young, single mother. She may really want a romantic, sensitive guy but she has to be realistic. When she got rid of the jerk she was married to, her income dropped considerably. She has children to think about; she needs to ensure that they will be well taken care of. So she will nine times out of 10 opt for a stable, ambitious man with a secure corporate job and a tidy income over a sensitive, romantic guy who works as a clerk in a bookstore.”

Now it’s true that sensitive, romantic guys aren’t terribly ambitious; at least, they’re not ambitious by the standards of the material world. I mean the sensitive, romantic guys of the world for the most part won’t be found prowling the corridors of corporate America. We aren’t talking about Alpha Males here. To paraphrase the title of a book of poetry I once saw, “Some men are too gentle to run with the wolves.” Nice guys tend to have nice jobs: they work as artists, teachers, waiters, librarians, etc. These are hardly high- profile, big-salaried occupations that attract Alpha Females. These guys are more likely to drive an old Toyota than a new SUV. Being too poor to own a house, they may share an apartment with a roommate.

A lot of women, it would seem, steer clear of this type of male, even though they may like his gentle nature. As my wife explains, “We experience a definite let-down when we meet a really nice guy, follow him outside, and discover that he drives a beat-up old Pinto. We think, ‘Gee! He seemed like such a nice guy. Too bad!’ It’s an unfair judgment, but there it is.”

All of this of course prompts me to ask her the obvious question: “Then what did you see in me?” As a free-lance writer who rides the ragged edge of financial disaster with the same devil-may-care attitude as the captain of the Titanic ordering more steam, I am naturally curious as to why a sensible woman like my wife would choose a guy like me. This elicits a smile from her. “Well,” she says, “the first time I saw you sitting there smoking a cigar, I knew I wanted to be with you. It was love at first sight. Nothing else mattered.” So, most women will almost always choose security and stability over romance and sensitivity unless they really love the guy. When love walks in the door, common sense goes out the window. I remain as confused as before.

So for now the “What do women really want?” question remains a mystery. But I guess I can tell my friend and all of the other sensitive, romantic guys out there to take heart. Someday you, too, may be spotted by a wonderful woman. And she won’t care whether you drive a Mercedes or a Monza. All that will matter to her is that you are a sensitive, romantic guy. But just to be on the safe side, maybe my friend should buy a new car?