Should I Marry Him Again?

“Jim wants me to marry him again,” says Penny, 42, a striking redhead and mother of two grown children, Bob, 23, and Scott, 22. “He hasn’t had a drink for the past two years, but I can’t forget the nightmare that was my marriage.”

Jim was drunk every night and, as time went on, during the day, too. And when he drank he was sarcastic, surly and domineering. And he had affairs he didn’t even have the decency to hide. “Why did I stay with him so long?” she asks. “Because, when he was sober, he was the sweet, romantic man I first fell in love with when I was 18.

“We had big plans for our future,” she recalls. “Jim was studying hotel and restaurant management and couldn’t wait to open his own restaurant.”

For the first 12 years of their marriage, those dreams seemed to be coming true. Jim was the owner of a popular restaurant, the couple had two sons, and Jim was a fun-loving and attentive father.

Jim started drinking at lunch, and he began losing his best employees. They complained he was a rude and impossible boss. Business dropped off, and Jim lost the restaurant. Though Jim told everyone he was working from home as a consultant, he was really sitting in front of the TV, drinking; when Penny and the boys came home, he’d rant and rave at them.

Penny filed for divorce and put the house on the market, but before she could move out, her car was rear-ended. Penny ended up in the emergency room with a severely sprained back. The first person she called was Jim.

“He was there in a flash,” she says, “and for the next few months, he waited on me hand and foot, taking me to physical therapy and doing all the things around the house that he’d never done before.”

The accident proved a turning point for their marriage: “Jim has been a different person ever since,” she says. “He’s attentive, he’s not drinking and he’s working again managing a small restaurant.” Jim wants to remarry and, though part of Penny wants to, she’s scared. “I can’t forget those miserable years,” she says. “Will I ever be able to forgive and forget?”

Jim, 45, knows he’s been a fool, but he also believes God has given him a second chance, and he swears he won’t blow it. “I haven’t had a drink in two years,” he says. “Isn’t that proof that I’m on the wagon for good?” More than anything, Jim says, he wants to bring his family back together.

Restoring broken trust: The art of forgiving

“Penny’s fear that Jim may revert to his old behavior is understandable,” notes Hermina C. Baker, a marital therapist in Utica, Mich. “For years, she had sheltered him from responsibility and, in effect, allowed him to continue to drink. What she calls a miracle was in truth a matter of Jim’s being forced to assume the role of caretaker - emotionally and physically - in their relationship.

“Penny, too, must be on guard not to fall into old patterns. While Penny will never forget the bad years - in fact, she shouldn’t, since they serve as a lesson for both of them - they don’t have to mean the end of a marriage.”

The following suggestions helped Penny forgive Jim so they could work together toward rebuilding the marriage they both wanted:

Remember that forgiveness is a conscious decision to go beyond betrayal and heal old wounds. By forgiving, you make a statement - to yourself and others - that you will no longer remain in the grip of the past. Forgiving, even something of such great magnitude, can be accomplished as long as there is a sincere expression of remorse and a consistent and lasting behavior change.

Seek expert counseling if alcohol or drugs are involved, such as AA and Al-Anon.

Stay focused on the present situation. Try not to dwell on old war wounds and past history. When conflict does arise, address current issues.

Acknowledge and support small efforts. Remember that change doesn’t always happen overnight. Don’t belittle small improvements. If you are hoping to forgive, you must never fall into the trap of thinking, “This is too little too late.”

Resist the temptation to blame yourself for what happened. Though Penny should not have accommodated Jim’s drinking, she was not responsible for his behavior. Putting herself down in any way for the past only gets in the way of forgiving him now.