Bloom Off The Rose At Brew U.

Attention Washington State University grads:

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Butch the Cougar will be replaced by the Hamm’s Bear.

After last weekend’s drunken riot, however, the meaning of the letters WSU will be changed to “Wasted, Stupid and Unruly.”

Oh sure, we had student riots back in the ‘60s. But at least the kids of my longhaired generation raised hell and tore up the streets because they didn’t want to get drafted and have to drop napalm on Vietnamese villagers.

These rabble-rousers at Wazzu have a slightly different cause to rally around:

“Party on duuuudes, it’s finals weeeeek!”

In light of all the besotted ugliness, I may have been a bit hasty at wanting to dump my alma mater - Eastern Washington University - in favor of the proposed takeover by Washington State.

Last December, I argued that becoming a Coug would upgrade my pedestrian EWU diploma.

Silly me.

But it was such a promising time for WSU.

How was I to know the Cougars would lose the Rose Bowl?

How was I to know black faculty members and students would accuse Washington State officials of bigotry when it comes to appointing tenure?

And how was I to know WSU students would throw a 20-keg beer bash and then act like rampaging Chicagoans after a Bulls championship?

Twenty kegs. I guess that’s what it means to be a “center of higher learning.”

PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER: “And what was your major at WSU?”

NEW GRADUATE: “Cirrhosis, dude.”

A thought ran through my mind while watching footage of young punks tearing through Pullman like invading Huns.

Can you imagine poor Ma and Pa sitting in their living room in Spokane on a quiet Sunday night. Ma turns on the TV news to catch a little Bloomsday coverage.

Suddenly, the carnage at WSU fills the screen. The camera zooms in on that inebriated bozo in the backward ball cap (you know the one) who heaves a beer keg into the flames.

Dad clutches his chest in cardiac distress. He points to the tube.

“My gawd, Marge,” he yells, seeing all those tuition dollars swirling down the commode, “it’s little Billy.”

A lot of mortified parents are probably wondering whether they should yank their children out of WSU and enroll them in the Betty Ford Clinic next semester.

Of course, all this talk of a riot has been blown out of proportion according to Barbara Petura of the WSU public relations department. After the ruckus, she sent this newspaper a press release with the following headline:

“All-night street party dispersed peacefully.”

The White House should hire this woman. She isn’t a spin doctor, she’s a whirling dervish.

Imagine what magic Barbara could have worked with, say, Pearl Harbor?

“Japanese visitors boon to ship building industry.”

Nope, I think I’ll hang onto my old Eastern degree.

We Eagles have had our problems: sinking enrollment, overpaid and arrogant administrators, a fragmented campus … But at least our student body hasn’t sent 23 cops to the hospital. At least none of our students are walking around campus wearing rubber noses and glasses in hopes the law won’t recognize them from that, ahem, street party.

Here at Eastern we even have a new president, Stephen Jordan. The mild-mannered Kansan has decided to live on EWU grounds in the University House. That’s refreshing news after the excessive reign of Mark “Get It While You Can” Drummond.

So unlike WSU, Eastern morale is up and public urination is down.

Go Eagles. Rah!