Seining Off Readers Share Their Ideas For Seinfeld’S Sendoff

Comedy is an iffy item.

Some people laugh at clowns. Others run screaming from the room at the very thought of them.

Fans of television humor range from those who think the heart of laughter features anything starring Fran Drescher (or Bob Saget narrating a video of a fat man’s pants falling to his ankles) to the acerbic remarks of Rumpole of the Bailey.

Some viewers simply turn on the Home & Garden cable channel and guffaw at the very idea of a Memphis, Tenn., home decorator.

And then there are “Seinfeld” fans.

It’s difficult to say just what the source of “Seinfeld” humor is. If it were easy, we’d all be making $1 million an episode.

But it’s safe to say that it has to do with the irrational behavior of the four principle characters Jerry, Kramer, Elaine and George and our relief over the fact that however neurotic we might be, we aren’t as bad as they are.

Bizarre behavior has never been marketed better.

And there are those among us, many of us in fact, who will miss the antics of Jerry et al when the program ends its prime-time run on Thursday.

It was in an attempt to exploit that feeling that, some weeks ago, we invited readers to invent and send in a model for what they thought might make a funny final “Seinfeld” episode.

The response was a bit underwhelming: Slightly more than a dozen entries plus a letter explaining why “Seinfeld” ending was a good thing (“This is poor entertainment, which makes TV lose appeal for us”).

But there were some decent ideas.

Maybe NBC will incorporate some of them for the inevitable reunion episode. But probably not.

Anyway, read on.

Boogars

This idea was sent in by a reader who requested anonymity. “If you must talk to me,” he/she wrote, “print the request in Slice and I will identify this symbol (F2) with a phone call.”

Sure, pal.

Anyway, the idea is this: The plot depends on the various personality types Jerry the tissue user, George with a dirty handkerchief, Kramer with a finger aside his nose, Elaine the “closet nose picker” and Newman who picks and eats.

Hey, folks, “Seinfeld” ain’t for the faint of heart.

Going Hollywood

Reader Lisa Richardson received an e-mail from a friend in Los Angeles that outlined a “final episode.” “I guess time will tell if it was right,” she says.

It’s basically a seven-scene storyline that involves Jerry being offered a deal to move west a variety show, guest appearances, a huge Beverly Hills home “and plenty of young starlets and models to escort him to parties.”

George and Elaine, “having nothing better to do,” tag along to help him shop for a house. Pretty soon, Elaine is making time with the real estate agent (she thinks he could be “the one”), and George ends up being hired by a Yankees-loving newspaper executive as a television critic.

The downside, of course, is that he has to watch a lot of TV. “The DOWNSIDE, Jerry, the DOWNSIDE!” George says. “This is it, Jerry! My dream come true!”

All three make the move, leaving Kramer behind (he’s a “New York State of Mind” kind of guy), and the show progresses through their individual antics - Jerry squiring around gorgeous women, Elaine enjoying the good life, George watching television (and complaining about his parents, who keep calling collect).

Then Kramer shows up. Seems he’s been hired as star of his own sitcom, which allowed him to buy the house across from Jerry. And what about having a “New York State of Mind?” “I still do, Jerry,” Kramer says, “but now I’m ‘Bicoastal!’ “

And then comes the mail deliverer … it’s Newman!

Shipping Out

Jean Moffatt of Spokane sees the cast taking jobs on a cruise ship. Jerry provides the entertainment. Elaine becomes the social director, George the steward and Kramer the crew personnel director.

“Every once in a while they could change ships to travel to different countries,” Moffatt says. “Russia would be a hilarious trip.”

Kind of like “The Love Boat” on Prozac.

Shipping Out 2

Heidi Harbert of San Francisco (whose parents live in Spokane) offers another cruise-line saga, this one a “never-to-end ‘Love Boat’ cruise from hell.” It includes the casts from “Gilligan’s Island,” “Love Boat” and “Fantasy Island,” only with the characters being portrayed by recurring “Seinfeld” cast members - Peterman as Capt. Stubing, Newman as The Skipper, etc. And instead of being named The Minnow or the Pacific Princess, the boat is … the Titanic!

The Club

E. Tolliver of Spokane sees the cast being transformed by Elaine’s dancing disability, which actually becomes trendy. So much so that she opens a club called Elaine’s Too.

Kramer manages the business, Jerry entertains with his stand-up routine and George acts as the bouncer, letting in those he wants to impress (George Steinbrenner, the Soup Nazi), refusing entry to those he doesn’t (Susan’s parents, Newman).

All the rejects, though, gain access through a rear entrance. And then Newman “goes postal,” opening a mysterious package addressed to Saddam Hussein. As fumes fill the room, the principals faint away. “Are they asleep,” Tolliver says, “or worse.”

Possible Paths

Matt Gardner of Spokane sees Jerry going “on the road with Banya,” Elaine marrying Puddy (then divorcing, then marrying …), George killing his parents “with faulty envelopes,” Kramer opening a chain of “make your own pizza and fried chicken” restaurants with Newman (who ends up, again, going postal).

As for the finale, Gardner suggests Bob Newhart waking up and “exclaiming that he just had ‘the weirdest dream.”’

Possible Paths 2

If it were up to Wendy Cowen of Spokane … Jerry would become a spokesman for “Germaphobes of America.” Elaine and Puddy would marry and open a combination auto dealership/women’s camisoles store. As manager of a parking garage, George would spend his first day color-coding the public restrooms. Kramer would win a sweepstakes prize of a medieval castle and “move to Europe to rule his domain.”

Faking It

Kathy Brainard of Spokane sees Jerry and Elaine getting into an argument over whether Jerry can tell whether a woman is faking orgasm. They make a bet: During five nights of lovemaking, she will fake it twice. If he can tell which nights, he wins. If not, she does.

As judges, Kramer and George witness the competition with the help of a video camera. As the action goes on, the judges are joined by curious onlookers. On the final night, Jerry and Elaine both agree that the sex was great and agree to marry - “at which point about 100 people rush over to congratulate the happy couple.”

Jerry and Elaine move to Las Vegas, “working on a ‘Lucy and Ricky’ in-the-year-2000 concept,” where Jerry watches the videos “over and over again, trying to tell if she really did not fake it….”

Winning The Sweepstakes

When Kramer and Newman win the sweepstakes (ostensibly the one sponsored by American Family Publishers), Jerry isn’t convinced until Ed McMahon and Dick Clark come to verify it in person.

Jerry begins thinking about his own future, about Elaine specifically, and George’s attempts to stop the inevitable only drive the two closer. They decide to marry and move to Hollywood.

Meanwhile, Newman asks for George’s help in sealing the letters that announce his change of address (to Pago Pago). As he licks the last envelope, he notices the label: “Envelopes for Wedding Invitations for Susan and George Costanza.”

South Of The Border

Gary Baird sees Kramer borrowing Newman’s Volkswagen Beetle and driving to Mexico, hoping to talk the producers of his favorite television show, a “Mexican Seinfeld,” out of cancelling production. Jerry, Elaine and George go along.

Among other things that occur: Elaine discovers that her “Mexican Fedora” (better known as the “Urban Sombrero”) is popular in Mexico; J. Peterman lives there; the Beetle is stolen; George discovers a baseball “natural,” whose teammates all wear the Urban Sombrero; Elaine’s dance becomes an overnight sensation.

Much happens. But, as Baird insists, the episode “must be about ‘nothing,’ just as the series has always been about ‘nothing.”’

Much Ado About Nothing

Joey Pekala, a 13-year-old “Seinfeld” fan from Spokane, sees Jerry moving to Florida and then back to New York. Elaine marries Puddy, divorces him five hours later, then marries Jerry. George moves into Jerry’s apartment building, loses his money in a card game and is forced to beg his parents to let him move back in. Kramer “should try and be a businessman and screw up a bunch because you know how crazy and whacky he is.”

Much Ado About Nothing 2

Donald McLean of Liberty Lake thinks Jerry should have a perfect date with “a glamorous blonde or redhead until she eats peas one at a time or cuts spaghetti in half-inch pieces.” Elaine should date a hunk who turns out to be gay. George should “show his love for baseball with the Yankees.” And Kramer? Kramer should do “a half dozen pratfalls and then he must empty Jerry’s refrigerator.”

Runaway Hayride

Kramer rents a horse-drawn wagon and holds a hayride for the “Seinfeld” cast through New York City. The horses “go a little crazy and run away with the wagon load, never to be seen again.”

Paging Hugh Grant

Heather K. Jackson thinks the final episode should be a variation on “Four Weddings and a Funeral” with Jerry and Elaine in the Hugh Grant and Andie MacDowell roles.

Jerry Cheers Up

Among his suggestions for the Top 10 Surprises in the “Seinfeld” finale, Brad Preston sees: Jerry inheriting millions when it turns out that Jimmy Stewart was his father; George Steinbrenner retiring and handing the club over to George; Elaine marrying Jerry who, having just ended his four-day marriage to Diane Chambers of “Cheers” fame, becomes the target of an enraged Puddy (but the Soup Nazi takes the bullet).

Preston doesn’t mention what happens to Kramer.

Finally …

J. Jarvis seconds the feelings of those who just don’t get “Seinfeld.”

“All I can say is THANK GOD ‘Seinfeld’ is to be done with, and May 14 can’t come soon enough! And I’m praying for no re-runs. The show is plain STUPID.”

Yada, yada, yada.

SEINLINES Los Angeles Times Some lines and expressions from “Seinfeld” have become almost national catch-phrases. Here’s a list of some of the most memorable “Seinlines.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Master of your domain. My boys can swim! Shrinkage! Sponge-worthy. Get out! Pop in. Maybe the dingo ate your baby. Hello, Newman! Yada, Yada, Yada. Giddy up!