Handling Money Can Be Difficult Issue

“Steve used to be so generous,” complains Carol, 29, married for three years and the mother of a 10-month-old daughter. “I was terrible in math in school, and now, I’m embarrassed to admit, I can barely keep my checkbook straight. But I don’t like having to ask Steve for every penny.”

Money wasn’t an issue for these two when Carol was still working full time as a corporate travel agent. “I had my money, and he had his,” she explains, “and I made perfectly reasonable choices. I don’t buy clothes I don’t need. But if I like something, I buy it.”

But since the baby arrived, Carol has cut back to only three days a week at the office. “My salary barely covers child care - I have a baby-sitter come to the house when I have to go into the city,” Carol notes. “Maybe that’s why Steve feels he has to approve or disapprove my spending. I feel like a child on an allowance.”

“My mother was very strict, especially about money. She never spent anything on herself and often commented sarcastically that my sister and I had expensive tastes. But Dad was a softy - he’d always slip me a little extra money if I was going out.”

Each month, Steve deposits money in a checking account for Carol to use. “But if something special comes up, like my cousin’s wedding, I have to ask his permission to attend. We argued about that wedding for weeks. Steve thought flying to San Francisco was an extravagance we just couldn’t afford. I was livid,” she admits.

In fact, angry seems to be a perpetual state with Carol these days. “We bicker constantly,” she says.

Steve can still be generous, Carol adds, but only when he wants to be. “I think the money he earns should be our money, and that I should be able to help decide when and how it’s spent,” Carol insists. “Is that so unreasonable?”

Steve, 32, a stockbroker, says, “Ever since I was a kid, my parents made a point of teaching me and my brothers about the stock market, real estate, etc. Carol just isn’t knowledgeable about money,” he insists. Carol thinks that just because she wants it, she needs it. “And just because we have the money now, doesn’t mean we should spend it. We just started a family and we have to think about where we’ll be and what we’ll need 10 years from now, not 10 days from now.”

Steve is just as upset about the state of his marriage as Carol is, but when it comes to money, he’s firm: “I’m not being cheap,” he snaps, “I’m just being smart.”

Money Talks: When and how to have them

“The anger and bitterness that Carol and Steve are experiencing now is a clear signal that the problem must be addressed immediately or it will fester and infect their young marriage,” notes Jane Greer, a marriage and sex therapist.

Changing their pattern of interaction won’t happen overnight. “What’s more, if Carol doesn’t take a stand on the money issue, she’ll be less likely to take a stand on other important problems that will crop up in their marriage.”

Of course, when and how Carol asserts herself can make the difference in whether she succeeds or fails.

Stop blaming your partner. Just because he thinks differently from you about a situation doesn’t mean he’s to blame for your anger or your battles. Think carefully about what you need and want so you can stand firmly behind your beliefs without getting drawn into old fights.

Consider your feelings and where they come from. Our beliefs about money have much to do with our age, family history and socioeconomic backgrounds.

What Carol and Steve need to do is communicate, often and openly, about what they have, what they’d like to have and how to achieve it. The more they reflected on the legacy handed down from their parents, the more they were able to discuss their money situation calmly and candidly.

Don’t be afraid to stick to your guns. Change takes time, and your spouse may well get defensive or even hostile when you’re suggesting a change in such an issue as money. Be patient and firm. Continue to clarify your position without blaming, accusing or fighting. Steve agreed to spend time talking with Carol about financial matters. As she learned more and asked questions, he started to ask her opinion and was delighted when she made several suggestions he hadn’t thought of.

Feeling more assured that his wife wasn’t going to spend every penny he earned, Steve was also more willing to listen when Carol requested something, and he made sure money was available to her, no questions asked.