Mischief Can Evolve Into Danger
The following story, told to me by a fourth-grade teacher, illustrates how parents with good intentions are often their own (and our) worst enemies.
A child misbehaved in said teacher’s class one day. After school, the teacher called the child’s mother to report the incident.
The mother said, “Yes, I’ve already heard. Sammy (his name has been changed to enable the guilty) told me about that as soon as he got home, which must mean he has nothing to hide. And he told me a completely different story (unspoken: “from the story you, a 45-year-old professional woman, are telling me”), and he’s never lied to me.”
Needless to say, the teacher was thunderstruck. Correctly deducing that she was destined to get nowhere fast with this hopelessly head-in-the-sand mother, she said something to the effect that if Mom was satisfied with the child’s story, so be it and toodle-oo.
The first thing that came to mind when I heard this story is that it’s one I’ve heard before — many, many times before, in fact — from teachers around the country.
The second thing that came to mind was the Book of Genesis, Chapters 2 and 3. In that first parenting story, God comes to his first two children, both of whom have done something wrong and know it, and asks, “What have you done?”
Lo and behold, neither of them can manage to tell the truth! Adam says “the woman you gave me” (!) made him eat the forbidden fruit. Eve says the serpent made her do it. The meaning of this little but oh-so-significant exchange is apparently lost on today’s parents: to wit, when a child is confronted concerning misbehavior, there’s little likelihood that the child will be truthful. And by the way, if the child changes but one little detail, then the child is lying. The truth, friends, is nothing short of the whole truth.
My third thought was that parents, in denying and rationalizing their children’s misbehavior, are actually warding off the guilt from the fear that your child’s misdeeds are the result of bad parenting.
Our foremothers and forefathers, because their parenting drew upon two sources, tradition and Scripture, understood that not even the best possible parenting ensures that a child will not do outrageous things. After all, God’s first two children did the most outrageous thing they could have done as soon as his back was turned; therefore, while good parenting may reduce certain odds, it guarantees nothing.
From the ‘60s onward, parents have been less influenced by traditional sources and more influenced by psychobabble. The babble-meisters (“helping” professionals, as they optimistically refer to themselves) have sold parents the myth that good parenting will result in good things. It follows, of course, that if one’s child does something bad, bad parenting may (must?) be the cause. So, to compound the fact that children are hard-pressed to tell the truth about their misdeed, today’s parents aren’t in touch with parenting “truth.”
We baby boomers bought into the notion that child rearing could be made perfect through subscription to pseudo-science. As a consequence, all too many well-intentioned parents are failing to hold their children fully accountable for their misconduct.
As a consequence, all too many children are being denied opportunity to develop good self-control. America’s children, once mischievous, have become unpredictably dangerous to themselves and others.