Focus On Activities Outside TV Viewing
“If Bob tells me one more time that he can’t speak to me because ‘the game is on,’ I want a divorce,” snaps Meryl, 41, a former television newswoman who quit her job to stay home when her twin sons were born seven months ago. “It’s such an easy out. With satellite TV and ESPN, a game is always on. Will I ever get his undivided attention again?”
Meryl knew Bob, a free-lance commercial photographer, watched a lot of TV, but she had no idea how much. “I guess I had my blinders on,” she says.
Meryl and Bob, who were married for less than six months when she became pregnant, have five TVs in their house - two in the family room, one on top of the other, so Bob can watch two games at once. And the minute he gets in the car, the radio goes on. “Every button is set to a sport/news station,” she says.
Meryl is starved for adult conversation and the attention of the man she loves. “I want to tell my husband how being a mom makes me feel exhilarated one moment and despairing the next,” she says. “I miss him; I miss his advice, his outlook on the world. But he basically ignores me. If I ask a question, he doesn’t hear me. Sometimes he’ll mumble, ‘Uh-huh,’ but I know he’s not listening to one word I’ve said.”
While Meryl appreciates the fact that her husband is a wonderful, hands-on father, she’s not thrilled to come home from a rare outing to the gym to find all three of them sitting in front of the TV, Bob on the couch, the babies in their infant seats at his feet.
Bob, 45, doesn’t understand why his wife is so enraged.
“Yes, I love sports. Since when is that a crime?” says the former high-school All-American. “I don’t watch as much as I used to and nowhere near what Meryl says. It’s time she got a grip.”
Bob wonders why Meryl can’t concentrate on all the things he does to help her and make her life easier instead of complaining about his TV habit. “I’m constantly running out for supplies to stock the shelves. I take out the trash. I run up and down the stairs doing the laundry,” he explains. “But ever since the kids were born, she’s so angry and nasty, too. I no longer see the playful, energetic, enthusiastic person I fell in love with.”
Bob claims he’s just being practical, not malicious, when he turns on the television. “If I’m home folding laundry with the boys, I don’t think they are going to be permanently damaged if I flip on a basketball game,” he points out. Bob doesn’t think he has to apologize or feel guilty. “She’s the one who’s totally unreasonable, and our marriage is a disaster because of it.”
When the TV means more to him than you do
“Like many couples who marry late and have kids, Meryl and Bob found their lives fast-forwarded,” says Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a psychologist. “They’d had little time to get to know each other or to learn how to resolve problems without bitterness and dissension before they were thrown into a tailspin by the birth of their twins.”
As every parent knows, having a baby changes your life in more ways than you can imagine. As parents of multiples discover, having more than one baby at a time changes your life even more drastically.
The fact that these two handled stress in different ways compounded their lack of preparedness for parenthood and triggered constant bickering and spiraling arguments.
Is it possible to reform a sportsaholic? Maybe not, but it is possible to learn to live with one. The following suggestions helped ease the tension between Meryl and Bob so that the TV was no longer a catalyst for arguments:
Ask your husband if he’s aware of his TV habit. Though it may be hard for you to believe, he may be mindlessly, and unwittingly, flipping channels or zoning out.
In fact, his excessive sports-watching fits the label of addiction in three ways: First, he uses it to escape and avoid problems. Second, it has become his main form of excitement or interaction with others. And finally, it’s having a negative impact on other family members.
Consider how you’ve been delivering the message. If your spouse is an inveterate sports watcher, it’s easy to lose your patience. But screaming at him not only has little effect, it makes the problem worse.
Better: At a neutral time - not in the middle of an argument - tell him all the things you’d like to do together instead of zeroing in on all the things he’s not doing for you.
Honestly ask yourself if your spouse is using the TV to hide from discussing important issues or problems. Your spouse may be trying to avoid bringing up some problem because it will tap into feelings that already make him uncomfortable.