Don’T Allow Son To Put Off Homework
Q. Our 14-year-old son is a freshman in high school and seems to need constant reminding (nagging) about his school work. Last week his dad asked if he had done his work. Our son said “yes,” so he got to go to a sports dinner with his father. Later we discovered he did not have his work done, and my husband was furious. We don’t always agree on the best approach or response. What advice do you have?
A. Establish a new strategy. Tell your son exactly what the consequences will be if he does not have his work done. Announce this in advance, so he has ample time to do his assignments.
Keep announcements simple and matter-of-fact: “If you want to attend the sports dinner, you have to complete your work before you go.”
Look over his work. Don’t rely on his reports. If his work is incomplete, he stays home. The calmer you are the more effective this system is.
Set consequences for each day’s or each week’s work. If his work is not done, he does not get to go out, play or watch TV. Tie the completion of assignments to the privilege of controlling his own time.
Show interest in the content of his school work. Offer help if he needs it.
If you approach his work as if it’s a chore, like taking out the trash, you influence the value he places on it.
Recent research has discovered what parents have known for a long time. Teenagers don’t process information in the same way adults do.
Deborah Yurgen-Todd, director of neuro-psychology at McLean Psychiatric Hospital in Massachusetts has been comparing images of adolescent and adult brain activity. Images of adolescent brains showed greater activity in the emotional centers of the brain, while adult brains showed greater activity in the regions which govern reasoning.
She concluded, “We probably need to assume adolescents are not always understanding what we are telling them verbally.” No surprise there.
Since adolescents’ brains are not always tuned into the same channel as their parents, using this system consistently can encourage the behavior you want.
Q. I live with an alcoholic man who does not see himself as an alcoholic. I have seen a lawyer and plan to divorce him as soon as I get the money together. The thing is he does not feel he has a problem at all. What can I do besides divorce him? I can’t move out. I have three kids: 16, 12 and 11, and it is not fair to them to disrupt their lives. I want him to move. The lawyer said there is a 50-50 chance the courts are going to make him get out. I need some guidance here and quickly.
A. The challenge is to maintain your stability and comfort while you’re not yet able to live apart. Most judges will require your husband to move, rather than disrupt the school attendance and adjustment of the children.
Don’t waste energy trying to get your husband to agree about the problem.
Denial is a major characteristic of alcoholism. Focus your attention on yourself and the kids.
Are you working? Work can be very therapeutic in dealing with the stress of living with an alcoholic. Work helps you focus on your accomplishments, and provides you with friends, as well as money.
Often the alcoholic and his behavior become the center of the household.
Guard against this pattern. Participate in activities that bring you pleasure, spend time with friends or help out in volunteer organizations.
Support your kids activities, and encourage them to spend time with friends and other family members. They need the stability of taking part in normal kid activities.
Many spouses find support and understanding by attending Al-Anon meetings, the branch of Alcoholics Anonymous designed specifically for family members of alcoholics. All AA groups are listed in the yellow pages.
in California. Send your questions and comments to P.O. Box 6613, Los Osos, CA 93402. Faster yet, e-mail me: cabrown500@aol.com