Disrespect Shouldn’T Be Tolerated
Q. I’m a single mother with custody of my 14-year-old son. His father, whom he sees infrequently, has mental problems stemming from battle experiences in Vietnam. My son is obviously harboring a lot of anger toward his father, but I can’t for the life of me get him to talk about it. It comes out of him in the form of a lot of disrespect and hostility directed toward me. What should I do about this?
A. I assume that by “this” you mean your son’s supposed anger toward his father. If I’m right, then you’re focusing on the wrong issue. The problem is the disrespect and hostility your son directs toward you.
In the first place, when you attribute your son’s behavior to his feelings about his father, you’re playing amateur psychologist. You’re speculating (which is, by the way, all a psychologist is doing when he claims to know what causes a person to behave in a certain manner).
You may be right. Then again, you may be wrong. If you’re wrong, then you’re giving your son carte blanche to behave as abusively toward you as he pleases, whenever he pleases. If you’re right, if your son is angry at his father, the question becomes, “So what?”
Since when did less-than-perfect family situations entitle children to misbehave? My parents divorced when I was 3. I had no relationship to speak of with my father until I was 9, after which I only saw him once a year for two weeks. In the interim, I missed my dad, was fairly frustrated at not seeing him, and didn’t really understand why visits weren’t more frequent.
Nonetheless, I behaved respectfully toward my mother because she would not have tolerated anything less.
You’re trying to understand your son’s misbehavior. In so doing, you are not acting when he misbehaves. Because you do nothing, your son keeps on disrespecting you. Your intentions can’t be faulted, but you have become your own worst enemy.
If I had disrespected my mother, she would not have tried to understand me. She would have punished me. And if I’d said, “Mom, I claim immunity due to grieving and anger stemming from unresolved divorce and visitation issues,” I’d have earned double punishment for refusing to accept responsibility for my actions. That was discipline before the Age of Psychobabble, and I dare say it was better for children, families and our culture.
When you stop tolerating your son’s disrespect, when you stop regarding him as a victim who is entitled to dump his feelings on you, when you begin acting worthy of respect, your son will begin treating you with respect.
Toward that worthy goal, I’d suggest that the next time your son blows up at you or treats you like a doormat, you say something along the following lines: “Well, isn’t that interesting! Equally interesting to you, I’m sure, is the fact that you will not go anywhere except school and church for the next two weeks, during which you will receive neither friend nor phone call at this house. And every single time you act disrespectfully toward me during the next two weeks will add yet another week.”
Your son is in desperate need of learning that women are not dumping grounds for male anger. This is a lesson only a woman can teach him. Are you woman enough for the job?