Working It Out Mediation Service Structures Conversations So People Can Come Up With Their Own Solutions

Keith Frank is a pseudonym used to protect confidentiality.

Keith Frank felt like his head was in a vise. He and his ex-wife couldn’t communicate.

After their divorce three years ago, they found themselves in a mad symphony of crescendoing quarrels about parenting.

“I had this sense of dread when I knew we had to talk about who’d get the kids that weekend,” he remembered. “We’d start to talk and things would escalate into an argument before we could even talk about the problem.”

They reached a point where they knew they couldn’t handle the situation themselves. But instead of taking the oft-traveled path to court, they fell back on a clause in their divorce decree that said if they couldn’t work things out, they’d see a mediator.

“It was the most wonderful thing to do,” Frank said. “The mediator would referee. Working with her allowed us to step back and communicate without so much emotion involved.”

Though mediation is not new, it is an option more people are seeking as an alternative to nasty, costly court battles. Mediators do not advise or take sides. Instead, they structure discussion between the parties, asking questions so those involved come up with their own options.

“Parties have to make their own choices. That’s what makes a durable agreement,” said Marilyn Colgur, director of the Inland Mediation Center, 525 W. Second Ave. The center is sponsored by the Volunteers of America.

One of two dispute resolution centers in Spokane, the Inland Mediation Center provides affordable and confidential problem solving in such areas as small claims court cases and victim/offender, landlord/tenant and neighborhood disputes. Their services are available to anyone.

Unlike the adversarial, issue-based resolution found in courts, mediation focuses on serving mutual interests, with the goal of retaining relationships.

The center hears 40 to 50 small claims and neighborhood disputes a month. Funding comes from a portion of each civil court filing in district court. For that reason, small claims mediations are free. Others are a minimum of $15 an hour. The center will arrange payment plans as needed.

Those who take their problems to a mediator have a good chance of finding common ground. According to the 1997 annual report published by the Association of Washington State Dispute Resolution Centers, last year’s mediations had an 88 percent settlement rate.

But mediation doesn’t work for all problems. A sense of equality among those involved is essential.

“All parties need to feel they have control over the outcome,” Colgur said. For that reason, domestic violence cases - which have an inherent power imbalance - aren’t usually accepted by the center.

When a problem is deemed a good candidate for mediation, the arguing parties come to the center and sit at a round table. The mediator explains the voluntary process - that anything they sign is in good faith only. They discuss confidentiality, expectations and the ground rules.

“We strive for positive, respectful communication,” Colgur said. For example, only one person speaks at a time. “By and large, it works.”

But if it doesn’t, there’s always the option of going to court.

Mediator Linda Stosalovich worked with Frank’s case. For Frank, who initially thought a female mediator would side with his ex-wife, the neutrality of mediation was a welcome surprise.

“Linda was completely impersonal to both of us. She didn’t take sides,” said Frank, a North Side resident. She told us what the boundaries were and when we stepped out of them.”

Mediators walk a fine line between compassion and indifference. They care about the people they work with but can’t get hooked into the stories they hear. To help them maintain neutrality, volunteers are trained in conflict theory, negotiation methods, identifying conflict styles, communication skills and active listening.

Stosalovich has three years experience as a mediator. Many of her cases involve parenting issues. For Frank and his ex-wife, each wanted to spend as much time as possible with the kids, but layers of anger prevented them from really listening to each other’s needs. So, Stosalovich asked pointed questions, causing both parties to realize the reasons behind their actions.

“The parties have the answer,” she said. “Only they know what they can and can’t do.”

There’s not always an absolute answer, however. Sometimes the most important part of mediation is just giving each person the permission to be heard.

“It offers validation - their experience was their experience,” Stosalovich said. “In the end, they may agree to not agree, but they can sometimes put that aside so they can get on with things.”

“It’s more of an ‘I can live with that’ than a perfect solution,” Colgur added.

Still, even that type of resolution is rewarding to the mediators.

When some people come to the center, “the tension and distrust is almost palpable,” Colgur said. “We can’t help everyone, but most people leave feeling better about themselves and the situation. You can sense that.”

Such positive resolutions inspire members of the mediation center to extend the reach of their work. They recently started laying groundwork for in-school mediation, working on cases that go beyond the scope of the school’s peer mediators.

“Mediation is important because it resolves conflicts in a positive way,” said Colgur. “It saves relationships.”

For Frank, however, the importance of mediation was more tangible.

“I got to spend Halloween with my kids for the first time in four years,” he said.