One Who Needs You Will Call Back

Dear Miss Manners: Following is a summary of a telephone call I had this morning:

Caller: Who is this? I found this number on my Caller ID. It says “Richard.”

Me: There is no Richard here. What number was it you were calling?

Caller: Your number - I just called you. Maybe I was wrong about Richard, but this is the number on my Caller ID. Are you my neighbor down the street?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are to know if I am your neighbor.

The caller then identified herself (a casual acquaintance from a club), and I was able to ask her the question I had called her about a few days earlier, trying to smooth over any tone of being less-than-friendly.

I have always thought the burden was with the caller to promptly identify him/herself. I can see now that with returned Caller ID calls, it is not the caller who has an interest in having the call completed, but the recipient of the call.

In retrospect I wish I had laughingly explained my pet peeve about being asked, “Who is this?” for the future. Is this another instance where technology is changing the rules of etiquette?

Gentle Reader: Technology doesn’t change etiquette so much as prompt it to expand, in order to spread its eternal principles to cover new conditions.

Caller ID is not an answering machine, and everybody who has enough interest in who is ringing to subscribe also has an answering machine on which callers can leave messages if they choose.

So the basic rule about not confronting people with evidence they had not intended to leave remains in effect. And although it doesn’t apply to criminals, it does require that unknown telephoners be given the benefit of any doubt.

Miss Manners realizes that etiquette, in turn, cannot change human nature, but only try to spread some politeness over impolite impulses. She understands that the sight of a strange name on Caller ID naturally excites curiosity, but she requires the polite person to stifle this by assuming that it was a mistake and that anyone who really wants to get through will call back.

Dear Miss Manners: My otherwise wonderful and wellmannered husband insists that there is nothing improper about flossing his teeth at the kitchen sink after a meal. I am not certain how he can say this, given that he admits he would never do it in front of company.

I am in no way appalled at seeing him floss his teeth, I would just greatly prefer that he adjourn to the nearby bathroom. We have agreed to abide by your opinion.

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is flattered at your wonderful and well-mannered husband’s willingness to stop flossing at the sink if she says so. She doesn’t know the gentleman, but greatly appreciates his wish not to offend her. She also appreciates the fact that he does not wish to offend company.

Don’t you want to get on this list of people he doesn’t wish to offend?

Here’s how to do it: Stop being so unappalled. In a kind way, confide to him that you are indeed appalled by the sight of flossing in the kitchen, however companionable you might find it to glimpse him at work over the bathroom sink.