The Eagles Have Landed

Ever see a kite flapping helplessly, stuck in a tree’s branches? That’s the Philadelphia Eagles offense. The Eagles have scored 92 points in 11 games this season - 23 in their last five - and have been shut out three times. The last time the Eagles had good field position, the earth was still flat.

This offense shouldn’t huddle, it should hibernate.

The centerpiece of the Eagles’ horrors is their passing game. Their quarterback, Bobby Hoying, has thrown 224 passes this season without a touchdown. (Repeat: That’s NO touchdown passes.) The Eagles run only two pass patterns: down-and-incomplete and down-and-out of bounds. Even in practice, the Eagles only attempt short passes that are underthrown.

Curiously, all Bobby Hoying passes appear to be tipped.

Actually, when a Hoying pass is in the air, it is reminiscent of a piece of meatloaf being thrown across the school cafeteria during a food fight.

The Eagles never get the benefit of forward progress because, well, they never go forward. (At a recent team meeting, no member of the Eagles offense could correctly identify the end zone when shown pictures it.) If the Eagles held a Punt Pass & Kick competition, the winning pass would be an interception.

Eagles games shouldn’t be televised, they should be euthanized.

This Sunday, the Eagles, 0-14-1 in their last 15 road games, visit the Packers, 27-1 in their last 28 home games. In terms of a mismatch, we’re talking Mondale-Reagan here, maybe not as close. The Packers are 18-point favorites, and since there is a decent chance the Eagles will be shut out, you must simply ask yourself: Will the Packers score more than 18 points? The answer: Which quarter won’t they score at least 18 points? Take the Packers.

(Mail Call: Midway through a somewhat critical letter of me, Brian Perry of Newton, Mass., asks: ‘Why does it seem that you pick against the same teams every week?” Because I do! Thanks for writing. P.S. The Man doesn’t mind hate mail, but he hates when it’s postage due.)

(Sports TV Update: On ABC’s Monday night Dolphins-Patriots game, budding analyst Boomer Esiason used the expression “you know” 57 times, raising his three-week total to 199. As a fellow University of Maryland alum, I must now say to Boomer what I should’ve said years ago: You know, buddy, you should’ve taken more English classes.)

(Regular TV Note: I would’ve rather watched 90 minutes of a scoreless MLS exhibition game than 90 minutes of Detective Bobby Simone passing away Tuesday night.)

As always, the following point-spread picks should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:

Cardinals at Chiefs (-3-1/2): QiGong is the ancient Chinese healing art that combines gentle movements with deep breathing, self massage and meditation; it can significantly lower blood pressure. I’m just looking out for Marty Schottenheimer here. Pick: Cardinals.

Falcons (-6) at Rams: Stephen Hawking trying to calculate the chances of Dick Vermeil returning to Rams next season… QB Steve DeBerg may be unavailable for Falcons Sunday, pending ruling in regards to his Medicare coverage. Pick: Falcons.

Oilers at Seahawks (-3): I predicted Seahawks, when they were 3-0, would finish 7-9. I also predicted Oilers would have that Super Bowl look. Hey, if this stuff were easy, everybody would be The Man. Pick: Oilers.

Redskins at Raiders (-7): Aside to John Kent Cooke, in regards to Norv Turner: As Ross Perot says, “Measure twice, cut once” … Raiders to feature Beanie Biker Babies filled with broken glass. Pick: Redskins.

Jaguars (-6-1/2) at Bengals: Has Bengals’ Bruce Coslet forgotten that Jeff Blake was once his starter, his quarterback of the future and one of the original cast members of “WKRP in Cincinnati”? Pick: Jaguars.

Panthers at Jets (-8): Panthers defensive coordinator Vic Fangio’s sideline phone now equipped with speed dialing to 911… . If I had to do it over again, I’d get married in a Jets uniform. Pick: Jets.

Bills at Patriots (-3): Drew Bledsoe’s winning drive vs. Dolphins Monday night reminded Foxboro old-timers of Paul Revere’s midnight ride vs. British several years back. Pick: Bills.

Colts at Ravens (-6): Every Sunday, Ravens owner Art Modell is conflicted. He looks on the playing field, he cries; he looks at the balance sheet, he laughs. Pick: Colts.

Buccaneers at Bears (-2): Watching Bears QB Steve Stenstrom maneuver in the pocket, something tells me he falls out of bed most mornings. Pick: Bears.

Giants at 49ers (-13): Who’s Jerry Rice rooming with, Dominique Wilk ins?… New addition to 49ers practice week: Bingo Wednesdays! Pick: 49ers.

Saints at Dolphins (-8): Following Mike Ditka’s lead, Saints only team in NFL to shower with helmets on. Pick: Saints.

Broncos (-12-1/2) at Chargers: Key factor: Broncos are the better team. Pick: Broncos.

Last week: 4-10-1.*

Season record: 84-71-9.

(* Like the Navy Seals say, “The only easy day was yesterday.”)