In-Laws Bring Out Hot-Button Issues

“Since Tom’s parents moved in with us, he’s turned into a different person,” says Leslie, 30, a small, delicate blonde. “We never talk anymore. We just scream.” Leslie is convinced that she has run out of options, and her five-year marriage is hopeless.

Her mother-in-law’s oblique criticisms have become increasingly hard to ignore. Instead of saying something to Leslie directly, Tom’s mother passes her comments through her son.

But whenever she gets upset, Tom tells her she’s being too sensitive and actually asks her to apologize to his mother.

“I’m tired of living like this,” sighs Leslie.

Tom, 37, is flabbergasted that his wife is even thinking of divorce. “This is just like Leslie,” he says. “She operates entirely on emotion and impulse, and without one word to me, makes decisions that affect our future.” Leslie, he adds, never told him how much it bothered her that his mother rearranged the furniture or criticized her cooking. In fact, he thought she was relieved that his mother was there to cook and clean, especially since the baby was born.

Tom doesn’t deny that they have serious communication problems, but he insists he tried to warn her about having his parents move in.

Tom wants to try to work out their problems - but his headstrong wife is once again doing precisely what she wants to do, and she’s adamant that his suggestions and ideas will never work.

Hot Spots: How to talk about volatile issues

“These two are struggling with pressures that even a couple who communicated well would have difficulty resolving,” says Jerron Adams, a marriage therapist. “While it’s clear that the arrangement with Tom’s parents is not working, and they both continue to feel guilty about it, neither is able to discuss the subject without exploding.”

When a subject is particularly sensitive - and time and again couples in therapy place in-law problems high on the list of issues they argue about most - even one word with a slightly negative connotation can inflame.

If you and your partner have particularly hot-button issues you know you need to resolve but can’t, try the following strategies:

Defrost frozen thinking. It’s impossible to resolve any conflict if one of you is locked in a position from which you won’t budge. Consider honestly: Do you often find that you have a precise idea of how you want things to work and you close off to new information that doesn’t confirm what you already believe? Do you see yourself as right and your partner as wrong more often than you care to admit?

Leslie was rigid in her belief that Tom cared little about her, most likely because she had grown up in a home where no one had ever asked how she felt or considered her needs. Assuming Tom wouldn’t either, she rarely attempted to express her feelings or give him a chance to prove himself. She was able to break out of frozen thinking once she realized what she was doing and understood that resolving conflicts isn’t a question of right or wrong but rather one of compromise.

Consider having your discussion out of the house - perhaps while you’re going for a walk along a beautiful beach or mountain trail, or enjoying a leisurely dinner at a favorite restaurant. Placing yourselves in a peaceful setting, away from daily distractions, can affect your mood and your willingness to work things out.

Structure conversations carefully. To make sure tempers don’t flare, agree to stick to one subject at a time.

At first, try to steer the conversation to underlying concerns that may be affecting your decisions rather than pushing for your own solutions. Give each other a chance to say everything that’s on your minds, without criticizing, judging or interrupting.

If you can’t reach an agreement or compromise, see if you can at least figure out a way to meet some of each partner’s needs. In this case, you will both get your main concerns addressed, while you agree to let go of others that are less important.

These strategies enabled Tom and Leslie to finally come to some hard decisions about his parents. Together, they asked them to move to an apartment complex for senior citizens a few miles away. To their surprise, Tom’s parents were relieved at the suggestion.