Determining Dysfunction This Simple Quiz Should Help You Find The Answer

Let’s call time out from the twisted goings on at the White House to discuss something else dysfunctional — families.

I noticed that the current issue of Seventeen magazine has a cover story quiz on the topic. It asks “How weird is your family?”

This is a universal topic, not just one for teens easily embarrassed by their family’s eccentricities. Why, that is a story that could be in GQ, Cosmopolitan, Newsweek or The Weekly Reader.

We know too much about our family members to harbor illusions that they are normal. The familiarity sometimes breeds contempt. In the best of times, it leaves us shaking our heads at the antics of a sibling, parent, cousin, aunt or uncle. The relationships are often such that they are shaking their heads over us, too. That’s the beauty of family; each member thinks the other is crazy. It’s the human condition.

That said, here is my own personal quiz to determine the level of dysfunction in your family.

Circle the answer that best applies to your family.

1. When your parents go on vacation, your brother:

A: Has their home professionally cleaned so it will be nice when they get home.

B: Packs up his family and joins them wherever they are no matter how small the space.

C: Brings his sofa and loveseat with the dog urine smell over to their living room and takes their fresh-smelling sofa and loveseat back to his house.

2. Your other brother sits at family dinners and:

A: Regales everyone with lively, witty conversation.

B: Recalls every slight, in detail, ever made to him by everyone at the table.

C: Looks at your sister and asks, “Why are you so stupid?”

3. When you’re on the phone with your mother, she:

A: Shares a new recipe for pizza bread.

B: Reminds you of upcoming social events at which your attendance is strongly requested.

C: Gets clicked for call waiting, sees who it is and quickly tells you good-bye, she’ll talk to you another time.

4. When you arrive at Grandpa’s house with his grandchildren, he:

A: Says, “Hi buckos, let’s go to my workshop and make a car for the soapbox derby!”

B: Gives the kids a bear hug and says, “I love you! You don’t visit enough.”

C: Spies his neighbor’s children on the sidewalk and runs up to hug and kiss them before acknowledging your arrival.

5. You invite everyone to your house for Thanksgiving and your mother-in-law:

A: Plays the piano after dinner and leads a sing-a-long.

B: Says no way. “You can have it next year. We’re eating at my house.”

C: Tells you she’ll bring her own turkey. Her family likes it better than yours.

6: Your sister brings home a new boyfriend and:

A: He sees the VCR is blinking “12:00” and fixes it. Then he helps clean up the dinner dishes while talking sports with Dad.

B: He plops on the couch and says, “Thanks for putting me up until I find a new apartment.”

C: You notice he’s wearing your sister’s shirt and shorts.

7. You attend a family wedding and:

A: They release doves after the couple says their vows.

B: All the relatives ask, “And when will we be going to your wedding, dear?”

C: The groom drives to Florida, the honeymoon destination, with the maid of honor while the bride flies down with the best man.

8. You run into your aunt and uncle at the beach and:

A: They marvel at your children and evoke happy memories of when you were young.

B: They tell you to say hi to your parents since they never call or visit.

C: They ask, “When did you finally lose the weight?”

9. You have a first cousin who:

A: Is a doctor working on a Christian mission in Africa.

B: Wears a mink and borrows money from her parents so she can send her kids to private school.

C: Hasn’t spoken at any family gathering since 1976.

10. You offer your sister-in-law your maternity clothes and:

A: She gives you a bottle of champagne as a thank you.

B: Your brother says he doesn’t want to see those clothes again.

C: She says thanks but no thanks, she’ll never get that big.

Key:

If most of your answers are A’s, then you don’t have a weird family. You don’t even have a real family. You’ve somehow fallen into a television sitcom like “Ozzie and Harriet” and you can’t get out.

If most of your answers are B’s, then you have a close family. They love you, you love them. They have their quirks and may well be weird, but they’re yours, every suffocating one of them.

If most of your answers are Cs, I’ll see you at the next family reunion.