Normal For Child To Like Affection
Q. When I was about 5 years old, a neighbor fondled me almost daily in places he should not have been allowed. It bothers me to this day - 60 years later - that I enjoyed his fondling. I should not have enjoyed this. What’s wrong with me? Camp Hill, Pa.
A. If you were not looking and “someone” were stroking the back of your hair, you would experience that as pleasurable just because the nervous system of human beings registers certain stimulation that way - it’s a biological fact. Then if you were to turn around and see that it was not your mother stroking your hair, but the cat from next door or the bratty boy from down the street, you might react negatively.
Nerve endings have no opinions. For a small child to relish special attention and affection, and for the nerve endings to respond to the stimulus properly (with pleasure) is normal.
The moral judgment is not understood by a child at that age - the adult is therefore the responsible party. It is sad that you’ve spent 60 years feeling guilty or bad about yourself. The adult who exploited your innocence and inappropriately sexualized your childhood is the one who should feel guilt.
Q. I have a brother in California who plans to visit us and wants to bring a 5-year-old child that isn’t even his, and stay for two weeks. He is a friend of the unwed mother and witnessed the birth and formed a bond. The biological dad is not in the picture. I want to write him a letter and explain to him what a burden this would be on us for two weeks. He never once asked our permission, he just announced his intentions. - Knoxville, Tenn.
A. That the child isn’t biologically his makes him more of a saint with me - what a generous act! Maybe after two weeks you’ll feel a bond to this child also. I think a letter is cold: It would be more gracious to call. However, two weeks out of a lifetime doesn’t seem like a big sacrifice for “family.”
Q. I graduated almost two months ago and gave a speech at commencement. I thanked my family and friends, but especially my dad. See, my parents divorced and I live with my dad. My mother got mad that I thanked only him. But I had talked it out with my family and they agreed that my mother has never been there when I needed her. She’s off now with her friends and boyfriends. How can I make her realize that she needs to be a part of my life so that maybe one day I could thank her also? - Detroit
A. When people assume they are entitled to rewards or recognition without having earned it, they are not willing to accept responsibility for their behaviors nor are they in the mode of being honest or unselfish. Your mother’s personality problems predate this graduation, and even your birth! When your mother grows up and learns to live for someone and something beside herself, then she’ll ask for your forgiveness and you’ll have hope for a relationship. Until then, focus on the blessings you do have.
Q. As a retired police detective, I long ago learned that if a parent has to choose between their child and their sex partner, the child will lose every time. Both moms and dads will tolerate repeated physical or sexual abuse of their child to avoid losing their love life. I saw many cases in which children tried to tell a responsible adult, as public service announcements advise, only to wind up being punished for “telling stories.” Children should be told to seek out police officers for help. Behind any badge is someone who can help when no one else wants to. It’s as important as learning 911. - Memphis, Tenn.
A. You’re right! On my radio program I hear too many horror stories of women who tolerate abuse of their children, or send them away, to keep their man. I also hear from many children (some now adults) who told a relative, only to have it buried by a family too frightened or ashamed to face the truth and protect the innocent. I’m glad you are there.