Solve Money Issues Through Teamwork

`Justin and I have argued about money since our honeymoon!” says Renee, 34. “In many ways, Justin is a good husband, but his stinginess has just about destroyed my love for him. I’m tired of fighting over money and feeling controlled.”

Renee says that living with her husband has become an unbearable financial power struggle: “He never gives me enough grocery money; I often have to use my own cash to make up the difference. Then, when I return home, Justin checks my receipts to make sure I stayed within my budget.”

Justin, a 39-year-old advertising sales representative, doesn’t want to end their nine-year marriage, but he’s furious at being called cheap. “Renee has no idea of the value of money,” he says. “I have certain principles that have always served me well; all I ask is that we economize right now. It’s for our own benefit.”

But Justin’s money-saving system, says Renee, is too harsh. He insists on putting all of her salary as a registered nurse in the bank to “protect our future” and that of their girls, Chloe, 5, and Claudia, 3. His restrictions make her feel rebellious and deprived.

Justin’s reluctance to move to a bigger house is another sore point for Renee. “The four of us are living in a cramped two-bedroom place,” she says. Justin surprised Renee with a pair of diamond earrings. “I was so happy until I went to the store, where I discovered he’d chosen the cheapest studs in stock,” she says. “So I exchanged them for a more expensive pair and paid the difference.” Justin admits he was hurt: “Even though she paid the extra amount with her own money, it was an underhanded deception.”

Justin’s thrifty ways developed early. When he was 14, his father left the family, and his mother had to find work as a secretary. Justin, the older of two sons, took a part-time job at an ice cream shop after school to lessen the financial crunch at home. Though Renee grew up in a working-class family where money was always a little tight, she never worried about having to be frugal.

While Justin is willing to try anything to save his relationship, Renee’s tolerance level has been exhausted.

“Money is a metaphor here: With Justin, it’s about security; for Renee, it represents a loss of control,” says Suzanne Lopez, M.S., M.F.C.C., a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist and author of “Get Smart With Your Heart: The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Love, Lust, and Lasting Relationships” (Berkley, 1999).

Lopez believes both Renee and Justin have to understand each other’s approaches to money before they can decide how their income should be spent.

Lopez also suggests that Renee should acknowledge Justin’s fears and efforts, instead of blaming and calling him cheap. “When you criticize a man, he says, `Fine, I’m not going to do anything because I can’t win,”’ Lopez says. “When Renee dismissed his gift, he felt humiliated and angry. After that, do you think he’s ever going to want to buy her jewelry again?”

During an early counseling session, their therapist explained that their differing backgrounds made money conflicts almost inevitable.

Justin explained to Renee that he wasn’t trying to deny her and the girls anything, but he wanted their future to be financially secure. Renee admitted she was sometimes a little too impulsive with her wallet, perhaps as a way to increase the excitement and pleasure she felt her life often lacked.

Committed to giving their relationship another chance, they vowed to look at their finances jointly, instead of solely as “his” or “hers.” Renee continued to put a portion of her salary into savings, but the rest went into their joint checking account to pay for regular expenses. They bought a computer software program and worked out a budget; then they consulted a financial adviser who helped them set up an investment portfolio.

Feeling more confident that their major financial concerns had been addressed, Justin agreed that they could afford — and really did need - a larger house. After several months, the couple found a roomy home that they and their children both liked. Tensions between Renee and Justin have eased greatly, allowing them to enjoy a more loving, warm relationship.