For Children In High Spirits

This event could be sponsored by liquor distributors who encourage little kids to drink responsibly.

A friend at a Newman Lake day-care center told us about a 6-year-old named Shane who said he’s pumped up about the “Junior Boozeday” race.

* Speaking of Junior Bloomsday: Here are some examples of bad pre-race pep-talks.

1. “Brandon, I just want you to remember: Winning is everything.”

2. “Take the body.”

3. “I’ll give you something to cry about.”

4. “Don’t make me come out there.”

5. “Run those other punks into the ground and there’s a fiver in it for you.”

6. “It’s probably just gas pain.”

7. “Daddy wanted to be here, Dakota. But he’s working overtime so we can afford new mountain bikes, jet-skis and gas for the SUVs.”

8. “It’s about the T-shirt, stupid.”

9. “Let’s just get through this, OK? We can both be cynical afterward.”

10. “If they ask, just say you refuse to take a urine test.”

11. “Make sure your sponsors’ logos are clearly visible.”

12. “If someone from TV tries to interview you, look that person in the eyes and say, `Is this where you hoped to be in your career by now?’”

* Slice answer: Sondra Woods admitted that she’s pretty quick on the trigger when happening onto a fishing show while channel surfing. Her husband gets hooked by those programs. But, to put it mildly, Sondra doesn’t see the lure.

* Rough guess: About 2,500 Spokane-area women still have something a long-ago boyfriend made for them in shop class.

* Early warning signs of swimsuit anxiety: 1. You feel the need to tell co-workers that certain sorts of shaving are tantamount to bowing before the male-dominated military-industrial complex.

2. Hostess cupcakes make you cry.

3. You have dreams in which people say, “Why, yes, that does make you look fat.”

* Spokane-style compliment: “Have you started your own fashion line?”

* Nobody asked: But “Khaki A Go-Go” is our favorite.

* Warm-up questions: Who has the corner-lot yard with the most tire tracks going across the lawn? How much trouble do you have finding someone with whom you can discuss public radio’s “This American Life”? Has anyone ever neglected to invite you to a party but then, after, showed you pictures taken at that gathering?

* Today’s Slice question: If the Inland Northwest had a suggestion box, what idea would you submit?