Some Use Drugs To Avoid Intimacy

`Todd is destroying our lives with pot and cocaine,” says Erica, 27, a buyer for a large department store. “I know law school is stressful, but why can’t he get through it without taking drugs? Our marriage is deteriorating; if he doesn’t stop soon, I’m filing for divorce!

“The guy I married is a beautiful person, but he’s very impressionable. Now, thanks to his late-night study groups with his law-school buddies, most of whom are single, I feel I’ve lost him.”

Todd, 28, denies he has a problem. “Erica doesn’t understand what I’m going through because she’s still a sheltered little girl,” he says. “She’s bossy and possessive. I admit sometimes I treat myself to a joint or a line of coke with my friends while studying, but it’s nothing to worry about. I’m not a junkie, for God’s sake.”

Even though money was tight and they didn’t see much of each other because of Todd’s work schedule, things were great between them until his second semester. Overwhelmed both by his heavy courseload and his part-time job at the law library, Todd was anxious and tired. “We stopped going out to movies, having dinner with his parents, even having the kind of loving sex we used to,” Erica says. “Now I just lie next to him after a zombie-like attempt at lovemaking, feeling completely unfulfilled.”

“Todd’s drug use is a smokescreen, his way of avoiding intimacy with Erica,” says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., a marriage counselor based in New York City and author of “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” (Adams Media, Fall 1999). “These two are locked in a major power struggle - he wants space; she desires closeness. They have to negotiate a balance with each other and stop the vicious cycle of fighting.” This couple also needs to learn how to bond again, physically and emotionally.

“Connecting twice a day - a kiss in the morning, a touch at night; a phone call during the day - will reattach Todd and Erica,” Weil says. “In therapy, Todd was defensive at first, saying that he wasn’t an addict; drugs just improved his mood and made him feel less stressed-out. But as he discussed his school and home life, he realized that the stress was his real problem. Between his classes, study periods and the job, there was precious little time left for having fun.”

Erica took her husband’s long hours away from home as a personal rejection. Frustrated and angry, she often lashed out and blamed Todd, rather than calmly explaining how she felt.

During sessions, the couple learned to listen to each other for the first time. Erica learned that her husband hated feeling bossed and manipulated; and when he felt resentful, he was less likely to want to be with or make love with Erica. She agreed to watch her tone when she spoke to him.

The counselor then pointed out that the two would never achieve the intimacy their marriage needed unless Todd gave up cocaine and pot. The counselor also suggested he find a different study group so he wouldn’t fall victim to temptation. Erica offered to help him with his schoolwork, which also gave them more time alone together. As the couple’s lines of communication opened, they made more time in their schedule for fun activities, and their sex life became more loving and playful.

Weil says when the “honeymoon stage” (six months to a year) in a relationship dies down, power struggles often erupt. Here’s what Weil suggests to prevent your marriage from breaking down early on:

Check in with your partner. Don’t assume you know what he needs. Ask directly: Do you have enough space in our relationship? Enough intimacy?

Talk, when the time is right. It’s important to sit down and discuss important issues with each other but not when you’re on your way to a movie or relaxing at the beach, says Weil.

Don’t minimize problems. If your spouse tells you something is wrong, it matters to him or her. Don’t brush it off or become defensive. Listen to your partner and discuss what you might do to improve the situation.

Alternate decision-making. To keep things fair, try letting one partner make the major choices one week - what to have for dinner, what to do on the weekend. The following week, switch roles.

Be positive. Tell your spouse something you love about him or her every day. Don’t forget to include small loving gestures at least twice a day.