End Power Struggle With Compromises

“I love my husband, but his obsession with sailing is threatening our marriage,” says Celia, 42, a registered nurse and mother of 18-year-old twins. “Burt wants to take an early retirement - and by that he means next year - then buy a schooner for us to live on and move to the Virgin Islands to run a sailing school. That’s great for him, but I don’t want to move. I know Burt loves the ocean, and the Caribbean does sound inviting, but that doesn’t mean I want my whole life to revolve around boats.

“For 20 years I’ve spent most of my vacations and weekends on the water, even though there are times I’d rather stay home or escape for a weekend at a spa,” she adds. “I’m tired of working hard all week at the hospital and then playing chief cook and bottle-washer on the boat, getting seasick, bruised and cut.”

Burt, 50, the owner of a prosperous South Florida advertising agency, doesn’t understand his wife’s objections. “I like adventure, and what’s more exciting than spending the second half of your life living on a beautiful island?” he asks. “We’ve got the money to retire, and the kids are in college. What’s the problem? Celia should be happy I’m not one of those husbands who sits around trying to find some way to get out of his marriage.”

The couple met, appropriately, at a July 4 boat party Burt was throwing. “Robin, my friend from nursing school, knew him and invited me along,” explains Celia. “Burt and I really clicked. Here was this good-looking, charming guy who not only could man a boat, but also started his own ad agency at the age of 28. I hadn’t dated that much, but I knew this guy was like no other I’d ever met. I was impressed by his verve and love for life.”

Burt had recently broken up with a woman and wasn’t necessarily looking to marry. “Celia was different; she was smart and down to earth,” he says. “Not only was she pretty, but she was easy to be around. I always wanted to be with her.”

Shortly after the party, the two began dating and got engaged a year later. The summer Celia graduated from nursing school, the two took Burt’s cabin cruiser for a weekend jaunt to Key West, where they eloped.

Celia admits that sailing with Burt every week was fun at first, but it became less enjoyable as the years went by, mainly because she suffers from seasickness, allergies and occasional migraines. “These are things I’ve got to learn to live with,” she says. “It’s always been Burt’s favorite form of recreation - his only form - so I force myself to be a good sport.”

Celia’s aversion to sailing comes as a surprise to Burt. “She always seemed to enjoy herself,” he says, shaking his head.

This is a classic case of a couple in a power struggle, says Tina Tessina, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist. “Burt doesn’t understand that Celia’s accommodated his boat obsession for years; Celia hasn’t been honest or forthcoming with her husband about her true feelings.

“Instead of focusing on the problem, these two need to start coming up with solutions,” adds Tessina. “If they focus on enjoying each other (by taking a few weeks break from the issue), they’ll come back to the table with more positive feelings about the other, and the problem.”

Tessina further explains, “Once they’re ready to sit down again, it would really help if they brainstormed about the future, even if some of the options are silly. Something productive will most likely come out of it.”

To preserve their marriage, this couple had to make necessary compromises on both sides, said their counselor.

During their sessions, Burt realized that he really didn’t want to move to the tropics if Celia wasn’t with him. For her part, Celia explained that she wasn’t so much opposed to the idea as the timing - she didn’t want to leave her friends, family and the job she enjoyed while they were still relatively young.

The counselor noted that Celia’s health problems, which seemed to have grown worse with time, were probably exacerbated by her stress and inner frustration. She needed some private time for the sake of her well-being, so Celia began exercising, meditating and taking yoga classes. Almost immediately, she felt healthier and less depressed.

Now that they were able to compromise and brainstorm solutions, the couple found that the tension between them lifted dramatically. Burt and Celia started taking romantic weekend trips that didn’t involve sailing, and found activities they enjoyed just as much as being on the sea. Both say they feel a renewed sense of security and optimism about the future.